The Brown Paper Bag Test

As a daughter of the deep South, I am all too familiar with “The Brown Paper Bag Test.” For those of you who are unfamiliar, “The Brown Paper Bag Test,” derived from and was used by Blacks (particularly in the South) to determine if one Black person had “fair enough” skin to group them into a certain “class” of Blacks. I know…it sounds absurd, right? RIGHT! Absolutely! Nevertheless, Blacks have used this “test” to discriminate against their own time and time again.

Like I said…I am a child of the South and am sadly all too familiar with “The Brown Paper Bag Test.” Growing up, I would often here stories from elders discussing families that discriminated against their children’s choices of love interests or even friends due to their complexion. My own grandmother, a very fair-skinned Black woman, still tells the story of how she was alienated from her own paternal side of her family due to her choice to marry a brown-skinned man instead of passing for white or marrying a Black man with a lighter complexion. As troubling as this sounds, “The Brown Paper Bag Test” is still in full effect and I had a first hand look at it while visiting family over the holidays.

C’est Chic and I decided to go out on a Friday night to a friends birthday party. When we arrived there were nothing but familiar faces – many of whom we’d known from childhood or over the years. A group of us were sitting at the bar enjoying cocktails when a friend of some of the other girls’ walks into the party. A talk, dark brother (whom we’ll call Nigeria) proceeds to walk our way and stops to greet us with a very warm welcome. I’d personally never met the man but he was obviously an old friend of all the other ladies so I introduced myself.

Nigeria was friendly and generous – buying rounds of drinks for all. I must say…I was intrigued. Hell…I seem to LIVE in the dating lane these days and though Nigeria wasn’t much of a looker, he had a style and swagger about him that was reason enough to be curious. Anyways….as the night progressed, I noticed Nigeria giving me long glances and touching my shoulder or side whenever we were next to one another. Like I said, I didn’t mind because he was a friend of my friends and seemed like a nice guy. Towards the end of the night, Nigeria (whom had had quite a few cocktails himself) leans over to C’est Chic and says, “Your friend is gorgeous to me but she’s almost too dark.” In hearing this, all I could think was “What?!” I was so stunned by his comment that my mouth dropped and must have hung open for nearly a full minute. I could not believe my ears. Was this man saying that I was “almost” too brown skinned for him to consider dating? So many thoughts filled my mind but at the forefront was outrage. I was in shock because his statement just seemed to set Black people back by years! How absurd for a Black man to say that! I mean…I get having preferences. To each his own but to feel so bold as to say it out loud and in the presence of the person was just down right rude, in my opinion. On top of that was my outrage that this very dark-skinned man of African descent had the nerve to call me “too dark.” Was he serious?! He has to be 5 shades darker than me!! Even more infuriating is that there are still black people clinging to this idea that lighter skin somehow equates beauty. We should all be evolved enough to know that this is absolutely not the case. And like I said…have your preferences but the gall of you to note that I’m beautiful but nearly not worthy to date because of the shade of my skin!! So you date ugly light-skinned girls instead of beautiful brown skinned women? That’s just got stupid written all over it. And what kind of self-hate is that when you are obviously dark skinned. I could go on and on but needless to say, I was turned off instantly and attempted to tolerate his foolishness for the rest of the night without causing a stir in the group.

I can’t even articulate accurately how frustrated I was to hear his comments in 2008, the year the first Black President was elected in America. With ignorance going around like this, I can’t imagine Blacks have truly advanced as much as we give ourselves credit for.

So, I guess I didn’t pass the “test” this time and all I can say to that is…I’m Glad! I love my brown skin and wouldn’t trade it if I could. Like Tupac Shakur said, “The Darker the Flesh, The Deeper the Roots.”

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Background Check!

My New Year's Resolution for 2009: Invest in A Background Check on my Gentlemen Callers!
I've decided that I'm going to start doing background checks on the guys that I date. Not just any guy, mainly the ones that I start investing interest in. Let's see, hmmmm....after about the 3rd date, I think it will be safe to invest $29.99 and find out if he is actually worth my time.

The background check isn't to find out if he has a six figure income or if he lives in a house atop a hill. It is to find out if said guy is actually who he portrays to be! This bright idea didn't come about out of sheer nosiness or boredom. It is has come from a place of necessity. What is the likelihood of one single woman, becoming involved in some form or fashion with (3) married men, disguised as single men, in a 4 month period?! That has been the common theme in my dating lane experiences as of late.

I think it has most to do with the fact that most of the men I date, live in other cities. I used to think that dating men long distance was a good thing. The whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" deal, coupled with the fact that I love SPACE, made dating long distance a-ok in my book. What I am beginning to learn in my older age, is that distance tends to allow more room for dishonesty. The distance allows some dishonest men (and I'm sure women as well) to live double lives. They can take a break from the monotony of their everyday lives and MARRIAGES and travel down south for a great time with a great girl.

In a conversation with one of the "wives" she brought to my attention that her husband stated to her in a recent email "Maybe I do want to be single sometimes...maybe I do want to meet a woman with no children who can get up and go whenever...maybe I do want to have an equal partner that actually brings something to the table, someone who dresses differently and has style and class." She actually sent me that email correspondence between the two of them. Doesn't this sound JUST like me?? Am I now someone's conquest? I felt so sorry for her! She seemed so sweet and sounded so hurt when she found out that not only was he thinking of doing such, he actually WAS!

Out of the (3) of them, only (1) actually took me by surprise. The other two I haven't known for an extended period, and basically were still in the "getting to know you" phase. Though they each exhibited their own share of sketchy behavior that set off my inner alarm, it was nothing that would have led me to believe that they had WIVES. The exception, however, I have known for years and I was totally blind-sided and disappointed when I found at that he has been omitting the fact that he married the mother of his child. Lies of omission are still LIES. I can't help but think that if I would have done a little investigation, I would have known before hand that none of these guys were worth my time. Their representatives were in full effect and shielded the assholes that resided within. This is enough to make any sane woman crazy! I totally feel Jazmine Sullivan and understand why some women "Bust Windows Out of Cars!" As she says, "You may think it's juvenile, but I think I deserve a reason to smile."

So...All the Single Ladies...$29.99 is worth your time!

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The Drive By: Part III

I wept the entire way home. My mom didn't utter a word. She didn't have to, I knew that she was incredibly disappointed in me. That hurt almost as much as his betrayal. She drove me to my apartment and escorted me up the stairs to my bedroom. I had returned to infant mode. I sobbed as my mom undressed me and put on my night clothes as if I were a 3 year old child. She gave me some water and two little pills (Tylenol PM) to assist me in calming down. She brushed my hair back into a pony-tail and rubbed my head as I cried in her chest. I fell asleep that night in her arms...I cried my self to sleep.

I woke up at about 4am, puffy-eyed and hurting. I couldn't shake the overwhelming sulking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I HAD to know how we had gotten here. I thought our relationship was so strong. This was the only man I ever loved. I thought we would marry, have 2.5 children and live happily ever after. He was my FRIEND! How could he do this to me? I grabbed my cell phone and went into the bathroom. I saw that I had 6 missed calls. One was from my dad, but the other 5 were from Mr. 36. The text message that he left said "I love you, I'm sorry." The tears began to fall. I dialed his number. When he answered, I began to cry harder. "Come over, I want to hold you," he said. Without responding, I hung up. Went back into my bedroom, through on some sweats and snuck out of my own apartment like a teenager as my mother slept in the other room.

When I got to the house I used my key to enter. Just a few hours prior, I was raging with anger as I walked down the very same hallway that I now tip-toed down. The bedroom door was open and I stood at the side of the bed looking down on him as he slept. So many things were going through my mind at the moment. The strongest thing was to just slap the shit out of him a few times while he was defenseless. But my love for him wouldn't allow me to touch him in a violent. I threw myself on top of him as the tears started streaming again. For a few minutes we said nothing. He just held me and rubbed my back. "Why???" He ignored the question... "What have I done to make you want someone else?" No response..."Who is she, don't you know that she is the chick that hit me???" Dead Silence. He spoke not a single word. I fell asleep in a familiar place...one that I had fallen asleep in so many times before, but this time, I felt like I didn't belong.

My mom called the house bright and early that morning. I'm sure she knew where I had gone when realized that I was no longer in the house. I couldn't imagine the look on her face when she went in my room to check on me, only to see that I wasn't there. But I was soooo messed up mentally, I really didn't care what she thought. I NEEDED to find out what was going on with Mr. 36 and our relationship. I HAD to be in his bed...assured that no one else was.

We didn't speak of that night at all. I didn't ask anymore questions, after all, he wasn't answering them anyway. So I got on my Inspector Gadget duties and started snooping. I searched and searched and searched but yet I found nothing. I was so obsessed with snooping it was a shame. It was almost as if I WANTED to find out something bad. Coming up empty handed was NOT pacifying me. Even though things had been pretty much back to normal between the two of us, I was still convinced that he was cheating on me. I would dig through drawers, intercept emails, check phone messages, browse through the caller id....EVERYTHING. But no dice. It started to irritate him and it was irritating me as well! Hell. I couldn't fall asleep without sneaking to read his emails for the day.

That mentality lasted for weeks...hell months. I could not sleep anywhere BUT at his house, even those nights when he was out of town. I had become the overly needy/clingy girlfriend. I had to know his whereabouts at all times, I insisted on meeting up with him and his friends occasionally when they went out...my mission was to be omnipresent. I had become a slave to my own thoughts, and it was ridiculous.

Things were never the same after the drive by. Though we tried our best to establish a relationship of normalcy, our attempts were unsuccessful. I didn't trust him, he thought I was going crazy, and I even felt as if I was going crazy. No relationship can sustain such dysfunction.

The dynamics of our relationship changed on that fall night when I took it upon myself to drive-by my man's house. As I pulled into the complex that day, I had no idea how much that singular action would impact the rest of my life and the relationships to come. My lack of trust in men, my zero tolerance for b.s., my own emotional unavailability directly stems from that day many, many years ago and my decision to show up unexpectedly at his house. In that instant, I did not know the impact that my actions would have on my life of love. Had I known, I might have stayed at home. There is some peace in the unknown.

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The Drive By: Part II

I sat in the car for a few minutes in complete shock. Was I really seeing what I thought I was seeing? I tried to wrap my psyche around everything that was going on, but it was too much. I began to replay the accident back in my head...she was irate, I was apprehensive, she was cold and mean toward me and she ran into the back of me...intentionally?? The accident took place as I was leaving Mr. 36's crib...now her car is in his driveway? He didn't even come to the scene. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??!! I had to know.

After sitting idle in the car for about a minute or two, I jumped out of the drivers seat and darted for his front door. The car was still running and my mom was left behind firmly saying my name, but I ignored her. I started banging on the door. My blood was BOILING. A light flicked on in the foyer leading up to the door. I heard footsteps, but was met with silence. He was looking through the peep hole.

"Open the damn door!", I yelled like a maniac. I banged harder, as if he would note my sense of urgency. It was unfounded; he still didn't answer. Then it hit me, I had a key! I ran back to the car, turned off the engine and yanked the keys. My mom was mumbling something, I guess she was trying to talk some sense into me, but it wasn't working.

I stomped back to the front door and started fiddling with the keys looking for the right one. My vision was hazy, my mind was cloudy, I was STEAMING! I couldn't think straight. Finding the key to his house would have normally been an easy job, especially given the fact that his key had a distinctive ring around it. But my mind was not thinking rationally. I finally found the key that fit perfectly and turned the lock...but the chain was on the door. I was so angry! I started cussing.

In the meantime, unknown to me, he was on the phone talking to my other as she sat in my car outside of the house. (That's another story in and of itself). She was basically telling him that I was outside, upset (as if he couldn't tell) and that it would be best if he came to speak to me as a man, instead of ignoring me. I didn't find out this little tidbit of information until lonnnnnnng after the incident.

Her speech to him must have worked, because he appeared moments later and unchained the door. "WTF is going on here!?" I asked. "Calm down baby, calm down," he said in a pacifying tone. "Don't you tell me to calm down, WTF is going on!!!!!!!!??????!!!!" Anyone who knows me well, knows that when I'm enraged, the storm follows tears....and the tears were streaming. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was trying to play peacemaker before the eye of the storm touched down.

He said some things to me along the lines of us having a lot to discuss, but not being able to get through to me in the condition I was in. He suggested that I go back home, get some rest, and we would meet for coffee in the am. I was peeping the scene. The lights in the living room and kitchen were off, which meant, he was upstairs in his bedroom or the game room. So, whomever the car belonged to was up there as well. SHE WAS IN HIS BEDROOM!?! "Uh Uh MFer, I ain't going NO DAMN WHERE!" With that said, I headed for the steps. He tried to stop me, but I was too fast. Taking two steps at a time, I ran up to his bedroom.

I flung open the bedroom door and began to assess the scene. The Play Station game was on pause at the far end of the room providing most of the light along with a candle that was burning on the nightstand. A Heineken bottle sat on the floor next to the bed alongside his cell phone and house phone, and a woman was at the foot of the bed putting on her pants. I was speechless. She looked up at me with an embarrassed look on her face and quickly looked back down at her pant leg. She picked up her purse whichT was sitting on his dresser and brushed pass me at the door. Headed for the front door, she rushed down the stairs, as if to escape the madness. I followed behind her calling her full government name. She peered back at me with agitated eyes. Yes, it was indeed her, the woman that caused the accident only days earlier. "Why are you here?", I screamed at her.(What a dumb question.) She didn't respond. I calmed my tone and re-asked the question. After all,no one wants to talk to a person when they are yelling at you. So I pretended to be calm and re-asked. "I asked you a question, please don't ignore me." She turned around, looked me dead in the face and said "Ask HIM why I'm here," and headed out of the door.

I generally don't deal with confrontation well, but it wasn't the normal me in this situation. I had been taken over by an outside force. Beyonce would call her Sasha Fierce...I didn't have the desire to name her. She was a stranger. Her strength was so strong, she caused me to do things that I would have normally never even thought of doing. Ignoring my mothers advice and for-warnings, embarrassing myself,causing a scene in public. Those are all things that I would normally cringe at! I was not in control of myself. The normal me would have NEVER confronted him nor her. The normal me wouldn't have had buns of steel and drove past his house. What had come over me?

I followed behind her. "No, I'm asking YOU." By this time, my mom was out of the car standing in front of the house. Mr. 36 was nowhere in sight. I don't know where the hell he disappeared to. My mom pulled me back, wiped my face and sternly said "ENOUGH! It's time to go." As my mom dragged me to the car in a way only a mother can, Mr. 36 emerged from the bushes. Yep, his ass had hid out in the bushes. Well, he said he wasn't "hiding" but he had taken up position AWAY from the drama. "CC, I'll call you in the morning." I couldn't muster up a response, but my mom picked up for me where I needed her to "don't you dare! You had more than enough time to talk tonight, but you didn't."

I sat in the passenger seat and sobbed the whole way home. I still couldn't make sense of what had just happened. I was crying for several reasons, the loss of my relationship, the betrayal, the embarrassment, the disappointment I knew I had become to my strong mother and the confusion of the whole situation. I was broken. But that wasn't the end of it.

To Be Continued....

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The Drive By: Part I

Mr 36 and I met shortly after I graduated from college. I had moved back to my hometown to attend graduate school. He was a young professional in a high profile career. We were both young and vibrant with the world at our fingertips. It was no surprise that we were attracted to each other immediately. He was tall, dark and handsome... I was petite, cute and sassy with tons of personality...a match made in heaven :)

Neither of us were looking for love, but you have no control over Cupid; when he strikes, he strikes. After a few months of hanging out, we both knew that we didn't want to share each other with anyone else, so we decided to become exclusive.

Things started out perfect. From the day that we met, we were inseperable. Though we had seperate residences, I spent the bulk of my time at his house. I was such a fixture in his daily routine, that he gave me a set of keys to his place so that I could come and go as I pleased. I rarely had to use them though, because for the most part, once my day ended, he was already home waiting for me. We had a routine that was pretty consistent. The only inconsistencies were every other weekend when he had to travel for his job. That was the time in which I spent with my sisterfriends. I had completely dissed them for the company of my new found beau.

About a year into our relationship, the dynamics began to change. His job became a little more demanding and stressful and caused his attitude to alter. The time we spent together started to be more infrequent and his moods were very fickle. I decided to give him a little breathing room, and started to spend more nights at my own apartment. I first noticed a significant change during the month of October. I remember it sooooo clearly. To say it was a few years ago, it still feels like yesterday.

It was a Tuesday evening. We spent every Tuesday together because generally Tuesday was his off day, and the only day that I didn't have any classes to attend. But for some weird reason this Tuesday was different. I didn't spend the night at his place the night before, so I called him early Tuesday morning to see what he had planned for us for the day. He didn't answer. I left a message around 10am and waited around for him to call me back. I cleaned my house, went to visit my parents, and went to run errands. 3pm came and he still hadn't returned my phone call. "Odd," I thought, so I called him again. No answer; left a message, no return call.

Since we had been together not one single day went by without us speaking. Since we had been together not one single Tuesday had gone by without us spending the day together. Since we had been together not one time had I left a message without my call being promptly returned. Something was odd, but I just couldn't place it.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. Things hadn't changed much. I wasn't sleeping over at his house every night anymore, and we were spending less and less time together. I would call him and sometimes he wouldn't return my phone call until the next morning. His main excuse would be that he had fallen asleep early because work was really wearing him out. That wasn't a far-fetched notion, but I wasn't buying the excuse. My woman's intuition had kicked in and I started to pay attention to other little things.

It was now November and I was very unsure at the turn our relationship was taking, but I didn't have much time to focus on it because I was trying to finish up my first semester of grad school. I had promised to commit myself to working on our relationship once the semester was over. I just didn't have the fortitude to do so at the time.

One Friday evening as I was leaving his house, I was involved in a car accident. I was hit from behind while sitting at a red light. The jolt was strong enough to make me have whiplash and my rear bumper was messed up pretty badly. The driver of the car, a young pretty girl, was very unapologetic; almost rude even. We exchanged the pertinent information and went about our business. She left me with a bad taste in my mouth. It wasn't until after she drove off that I realized that she worked for the same company as Mr. 36. He was bound to know her.

I immediately drove back to Mr. 36's house and told him about my fender bender. He was in a meeting when it happened so he was unable to meet me at the scene. I also mentioned to him the young lady's name and asked if he knew her. He said that he did know of her, but only in passing. Something about that young lady didn't sit well with me from the moment I met her. I'm not sure if it was the way she repeated my name after I introduced myself, or the way she stared me down as if she had met me before. I made it a point to get as much information on her as possible, simply because my gut told me to do so.

The next week turned month, things with Mr. 36 and I had gotten increasingly shaky. I took it upon myself to play Inspector Gadget, hoping to find some reason for the hot/cold that our relationship had become. I went through his dresser, caller ID, email, etc. I was unable to find anything suspicious. Was I over reacting?

A few nights later, Mr. 36 decided to play one of his disappearing acts again. By this time I was convinced that another woman was in the picture, I just had no way of proving it. After talking to a friend, I decided to go to his house to see if he was really asleep. I was growing tired of the foolish excuses that he was falling asleep at 8pm every day. He was a night owl and I found it to be almost impossible for him to go to bed that early, even if he was working a hectic schedule. Hell, I'm a sleeper and I don't even sleep that much! I told my mom what I was about to do and she tried to talk me out of it, but I was relentless. "No," I said, "I am going to drive over there and see if there are any cars parked outside of his condo." My mom advised me against it, but I was relentless.

She decided to come along for the ride. On our way there, she tried to talk me out of it. "If you feel the need to snoop, you should feel the need to leave. Never should your relationship get to a point that you don't trust him enough to have to go to these measures!" Her words went through one ear and out the next. We pulled into his community and drove down the street. "Stop here," my mom said. She offered to get out and jog the two additional blocks to his house so that I wouldn't drive directly in front of it. "Meet me at the corner on the next street." I obliged and met her around the block. When she got back in the car I looked at her, but she avoided eye contact. "Do you know anyone who owns a Silver Camry?"

Mr. 36 had an SUV. No one he knew (that I knew of) had a Silver Camry. The worst part of all of this is, it was after midnight and he did not mention having any company. The last time I spoke to him, which was 5 hours prior, he declined MY company, stating that he was tired and wanted to be alone. If that was the case, why was there a car in his driveway? Giving him the benefit of the doubt I called him to see if maybe someone popped up. No answer. I waited a few minutes and called back, no answer. I left a message, no response.

I debated on what I should do. I needed to drive by the house to see for myself. My mom begged me not to, but I couldn't listen to her on that one. I drove in front of his condo, and in his driveway sat a Silver Toyota Camry. The car was soooo familiar to me. It wasn't just ANY Silver Toyota Camry. It was the same Silver Toyota Camry that rear-ended me a month prior!!!! I knew it was the car, not simply because of the make and model, but because the dent still remained!!! WTF??!!

To Be Continued....

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Get A Life!

When in a relationship, it is important that my significant other (s/o) has his own life. I can not be anyone's everything, in that case, I feel pressured. I need a man who is secure in our relationship and in his manhood, that he allows me to be the Social Butterfly that I am. A man who has his own life, outside of our relationship. I have a very hefty social calendar, that varies from week to week. From weekend get-aways, to full-fledged international trips with the girls; play dates with my nieces and other family related outings; mid-week happy hour(s) with my co-workers and/or sister friends, this is the short list of my obligations and social dates.

Of course I do so much now because I am single. If I were in a committed relationship those outings would decrease from 6 days a week or so, to about 2 or 3. When I am married, I am sure it will have to decrease to less than that. But I don't believe that I have to lose my life entirely when I get into a relationship. I need a man who has friends. One who enjoys his friends' company and wants to hang out with them on a weekly basis. I need a man who has other obligations, one that volunteers in the community or has a hobby that takes up some time. Basically, I need a man with a life of his own.

Many men cringe at the thought of their woman hanging out on a weekly basis with her girl friends, especially if it involves alochol and nightclubs. I am not a clubber. As a matter of fact, I LOATHE the club. If I never had to step foot in one again, I wouldn't. I am more fond of martini bars and wine lofts as oppose to the booty poppin' atmosphere of the club. But I am very social. My sister-friends and I enjoy each others company. I would love for my s/o to join me in my social endeavors with the girls every once in a while, but I also desire the ability to "Do Me."

I was having a conversation the other night with a gentleman friend of mine about this very topic. He told me that he believes the reason I am single is because I do too much or DTM. I value this guy's opinion, so that statement weighed on me heavily throughout the day. So much so that I called him back later and asked him to elaborate. After promising to him that I would not get defensive or offended, he agreed to explain his comment. "You are always on the go. At any given point I can call you and you may be in Nova Scotia or somewhere. Men like to know that their woman is always readily accessible, and isn't flirting with some man in the club," he said. Did this statement have some validity? Or was he the type of guy I DO NOT want as a s/o?

I came across a post on yahoo that stated just that. Men want women who are "independent" (ya'll know I hate that word). Basically when the author elaborated, s/he said that men find it sexy when a woman has her own life and isn't "needy". Well, that's me! I am by far the most non-clingy woman I know. I used to be the woman that needed to be totally consumed with her man...but that was many moons ago and long before I met ME and fell in love with ME. That was in the stage of my life where I felt as if my sister-friends and family were expendable and would drop them at the drop of a hat to sit up under some man. Long gone are those days. While I crave the companionship of a man, I also crave the companionship of my family and friends.

I have come across several men lately that have a tough time dealing with the fact that I don't care to be consumed with only them every single day of the week. They also don't like the fact that my sisterfriends and I have weekly dinner dates that generally end with a few cocktails at a local bar. When I asked one why he wasn't fond of such, he basically reflected the sentiments of my guy friend. He said that it didn't sit well with him that I was probably intoxicated somewhere flirting with some random man in a bar. That is where the trust factor comes in. In order for me to live my life and continue to abide by my social calendar, my s/o will have to have 100% trust in me and our relationship.

Of course this guy doesn't have much trust for me, after all, we have only known each other for a couple of months. We aren't in a relationship so therefore he doesn't know me as a "girlfriend." I have said several times before on this blog that, as a girlfriend, I am 100% faithful. I have never cheated on any man in any relationship I've been in.

I have a girlfriend that has (3) kids and she is NEVER without a steady man in her life. I've always wondered exactly what it was about her that attracted the type of men that she attracts. What is she doing that I am not? She seems to always get the guys that want to wife her. Aside from the obvious (she's gorgeous, has a great shape and an even greater personality), she comes with obvious baggage: three rugrats and divorce papers. The men she attracts are not divorced single dads, they are young men who have never been married and have ZERO kids. That shocks me. As a single woman, I don't particularly care to date men with children because I don't believe that they are as flexible as I would care for them to be. I would assume that single men with no children would feel the same way, right? WRONG.

I think I've come to a healthy assumption about why single childless men would choose to date a woman with children over a single woman with no kids such as myself...because the woman with children seems to be more settled and easily accessible. Men would assume that a woman with kids wouldn't have as hefty a social calendar as I do. SIKE! My mommy/girlfriend has a much tougher social calendar than me. She has not only her own to juggle, but that of three kids to juggle as well. She runs around town like a chicken with her head cut off on a daily basis. The only time she slows down is when she has a man. Why? Because she puts his ass on daddy duty and he ends up helping her with the kids. orIs it the comfort in assuming that women with children are more settled that a single woman with no kids? Do I need to have some kids in order to get a man to take me seriously? Is it that I have to put a dude on Daddy Duty in order to get him to stop playing the field and committ? Geez.

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My Love Stories: PhD and ME!

Y2K brought about many great things in my life. It was a new decade full of new possibilities. I was a young free-spirited college student who was enjoying freedom miles away from home. I had just begun to take classes in my major and was extremely excited about it. I had landed a coveted internship with a leading corporation in my field of interest and I had met a man that would forever redefine the meaning of Love to me and for me.

I first met PhD during my junior year of college. He was finishing up his last year at the university as an engineering major. I had heard stories about him long before I met him. The stories were about a guy on campus that was extremely handsome and equally smart, but I had never seen him nor met him. That was, until a late winter's evening in the "Big Easy." We were on a school break and coincidentally PhD and I ended up in the same city. We met, exchanged contact information and the rest is history. After meeting him, I totally understood why he was such an enigma for so long!

Our first telephone conversation lasted 2 hours! We hit it off immediately and talked on the phone like little kids until 2am knowing good and well, that we both had class bright and early the next morning. We had so much to talk about and so many things in common; our similarities were uncanny. Over the course of the semester, we remained in contact, but being that he was preparing for graduation he didn't have much time to spare. Every free moment that he had, we communicated...but it wasn't much. The end of the semester came, he graduated and embarked on a 5 year stint in the Mid-West to get his PhD, I left campus for an internship in the South, and our communication seemed to have died off. That was until a stroke of fate landed us in the same city at the same time for a month at the beginning of the summer.

The month that he was in town for training, we spent every day together. From lunch dates, to dinner dates and long walks and intense conversations in between, our romance was budding and our bond had begun to form. This was the first time in my life that I ever experienced someone's genuine interest in me and my life. He seemed completely enthralled and interested in the stories of my youth, my family and my quest for a purpose driven life. He kept me laughing with his incredible sense of humor and spoiled me rotten. Time definately flies when you're having fun; that month came and went faster than ever.

Being without him drove me crazy, and vice versa. We counted down to the days that we were able to see each other again...which were mainly weekends. We made sure to make every minute that we were together count. It was obvious to everyone around us that we were a match made in heaven. From bar-be-que's to comedy shows, and everything else in between, we had a ball together.

At the time, I just thought it was a strong like that I had for PhD. It wasn't until months later that I realized that what I was feeling wasn't just like, it was love. Everything about him made me love him. From his quirkiness to his intelligence, and of course his New York swagger...I was smitten. He had become my best friend. At the time, I was going through a tough situation with my closest girlfriends. He was there for me, comforting me and re-assuring me when I was at my lowest point. I shared with him more than I had ever shared with another human being. To this day, he could blackmail me; he knows some very intimate details of my life, details that not even those closest to me know. He was protective of me and was my biggest supporter. It was the two of us against the world....we were Crazy in Love.

The summer ended and our availibility and accessibility to each other began to decrease. We were thousands of miles apart in two seperate time zones. He had begun a very grueling doctoral program, and I was entering into my senior year of college. Opportunities to communicate were few and far between, and the option to visit one another was almost non-existant. We were broke college students with crazy school schedules. It was damn near impossible to see each other during the semester. I was adamant about trying to make it work by any means necessary, he on the other hand, felt like it would be too much of an effort, after all...we had no idea when we'd ever live in the same city again. And at that young of an age, long distance dating simply wasn't a sensible option. We tried our hardest to make it work in spite of the odds surrounding us. I tried to be supportive and understanding of his program and the position that he was in, but truth be told, I was a spoiled selfish brat.

I often allowed my mind to wander and others to implant in my head that since he wasn't calling me on a daily basis, that he was probably cheating and didn't really love me like I thought he did. After all, he had never verbally said he loved me. I only knew that he did because of his actions....during the summer. Truth be told, at the time, his actions were no longer reflecting the actions of a man in love. The final straw was when he didn't call me on my 21st birthday. That, to me, was unacceptable. He apologized perfusely about forgetting such an important milestone in my life. I was completely devastated, as that was uncharacteristic of him, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that he was changing. He wasn't the same man that I fell in love with over the summer.

I showed my entire azz and acted a plum fool. He was overwhelmed...overwhelmed with school work, overwhelmed with family issues, and overwhelmed with my demands for more attention and communication. The expendable part of that equation was ME. Our infrequent conversations turned into non-existant ones. Just as our love was unspoken, our break up was too. The fire that was once our summer love, had died down and soon became nothing but ashes and soot. I was devastated. I cried myself to sleep many nights wondering if I had single-handedly caused our relationship's demise.

If only.

If only I had not been so demanding; If only I had been more patient and understanding; If only I had not caused such a big commotion about him forgetting my birthday...maybe, just maybe, we would still have been together.

The reality is that we were very young. Too young to have even been seriously thinking about a way for us to sustain a relationship, especially given the other more important decisions that we had to make for ourselves and our lives. He was mature enough to see that, I on the other hand wasn't. I did not believe in giving up, and probably would not have given up on our relationship if he hadn't walked away first.

I remember one late (or shall I say early) January morning. Fresh off of a date with another guy, I walked into my apartment and broke down on the foyer floor. The guy that I went out with was attractive, intelligent, attentive and available, but he wasn't Ph.D! And afterall, the only person I wanted was Ph.D. Without making note of the time, I picked up the phone and called PhD. It was about 2am his time and he was obviously in a deep sleep. He answered, and all I could muster up was a faint "What happened to us?" and then the tears came. Being the patient man he was (and is), he listened to me as I tried to speak through sobs and tears. He did his best to comfort my aching heart and listen to my ranting and raving. After I calmed down, he sensibly told me that I still meant the world to him, but at that point in his life, he could not juggle the demands of a relationship. His major focus was his education and career, but that didn't mean he loved me any less. I was unsatisfied, intoxicated and uninterested in his feable attempts to soothe my aching heart. I had to get over it...and him.

I often think back to that Summer, the Summer of 2000. The one in which I fell in love with an awesome man. We still communicate and try to see each other at least once a year. The last few times we've gotten together, life's stuggles and strife intervened and caused us to have less than perfect weekends, but a good time nonetheless. I truly believe that he is my soul mate. I have come to the conclusion that sometimes Soul Mates aren't necessarily meant to be in a forever relationship. A soul mate doesn't have to be the one you spend the rest of your life with. I am just lucky to have found him, because some people never do. I am not sure where our lives will take us. We live on seperate ends of the country, neither of us willing or interested in giving up our careers and personal ambitions to conform to the other's lifestyle. We will continue to see each other and have wonderful moments together as long as we are both single. And who knows what the future holds, and what God intends. But one thing I do know is, if no other man in my life ever loved me, PhD did, and I loved him just the same. Every time I see him or hear his voice, I am immediately transformed to the Summer of 2000...the Summer I first fell in Love.

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No B*tchassness!

I get weirded out by dudes who seem to have chick tendencies. You know the ones, men that stay in the mirror much longer than you do, the ones who don't like to get dirty or break a nail, the metrosexuals. They really give me the creeps, to say the least. But the ones that really make me ancy are the ones that are clingy.

NO B*tchassness- in the words of Diddy. I couldn't have come up with a better quote. I was kicking it with this guy that I call Christopher Williams. Why do I call him that? Well, cuz he has an uncanny resemblence to the 90s R&B singer by the same name. By all accounts Christopher Williams is a nice guy. He opens doors, showers me with compliments, and is very attentive. However, he is NOT in my starting line up. He is the 2nd string guy that I call when the starting line up needs to be benched for whatever reason or another. Lately, my starting line up has been on their p's and q's, so Christopher Williams has been warming that good ole hard bench. I don't think he cares for that too much. He keeps calling me!!!!!!!

Yesterday, I decided to return one of his 50 million fall calls. We exchanged pleasantries and then he said "You must be Terry McMillan cuz u play disappearing acts." Ummmmm, insert long pause here. I was confused. Am I obligated to call him every day? Am I even obligated to respond to his texts? I don't think so. I did remind him that I was out of town on business, in a totally different time zone, and frankly I just didn't have the time to appease him by making courtesy phone calls. He listened attentively, as he always does, and then started whining. It was such a turn off!!!!! All I heard was "wah wah wah wah wah", like the adults on the Peanuts cartoons.

After letting him whine for a few minutes, I decided to cut the convo short. I told him that I would be in touch, and he said "I won't hold my breath." Such a b*tchass statement! I recall using that line a time or two when I was young and dumb. I gave a soft chuckle before disconnecting the call. Needless to say, I doubt if Christopher Williams will delight in the pleasure of my convo let alone company again. NO B*TCHASSNESS!

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California Adventures: Life's A Beach!

I've known "Alabama" for over 5 yrs now, and though he and I never lived in the same city, we have always kept up communication and maintained an acquaintance-ship. I hadn't seen him in over a year, and when he got wind that I would be on the West Coast, he jumped at the opportunity to meet up with me since he too, was in Southern California at the time.

He sent me a message asking if I was still in L.A. When I replied yes, he immediately sent me another message that said "San Diego?" I texted him back, "Are you inviting me to San Diego? If so when?" He said "of course I am! I will be there this Thurs and will prob stay until Sat or possibly even Sun. Bring your swim suit." That was music to my ears. I had yet to make it to the beach since being out here, and my body was thirsting for UV rays. So the following Thursday, I packed a small bag that mainly consisted of flimsy summer dresses and a couple of swim suits in anticipation of my beach trip. I brought along a novel, and some info on the product launch from my company to read while basking in the sun. I was siked!

I was able to weasel my way out of a seminar and a few team building activities scheduled for Friday, jump into my rented car and embark on a road trip down the 101 heading South to San Diego. Armed with my trusty Ipod and a bottle of Evian, I was ready to roll. I updated the Tom Tom on where I needed to be....La Jolla, CA- baby!

I arrived shortly after 10pm. Even though Tom Tom told me it would take about an hour and 38 minutes, with the 101 traffic, it took me nearly 3.5 hrs instead. YIKES! A little flustered from the ride, my frown turned upside down at the sight of Alabama walking toward me in the parking lot. He greeted me with a huge bear hug and that mega-watt smile of his. He grabbed my bags and led me into the condo and introduced me to the three young men sitting on the couch. They were all called Coach so-and -so, which led me to believe that they were all colleagues.

Alabama was on a recruiting trip, which is the reason he was in Southern California. He accompanied by his grad assistant to seal the deal between his school's athletic program and one of their prospects. The other guys were coaches at the prospect's current school and had been friends of Alabama's from his college days.

They were waiting on me to arrive so that we could have a night out on the town. I ran upstairs, changed my clothes and joined them in the living room where they were discussing....sports. The only girl in a group of men, I eventually became comfortable as the night progressed. They were taking shots called Jäger-Bombs; Jägermeister and beer. I knew immediately that I would be the designated driver. The night went on and turned in to morning. We stopped to grab a bite to eat before stumbling in at 5am. Two of the guys never made it out of the backseat of the SUV; they spent the night in the truck.

Alabama woke me up at about 10am and told me to get dressed because the place we were staying in had been rented out for the weekend. I overheard him telling one of his co-workers the night before, that we would be relocating to the nearby Embassy Suites Hotel. So, I got up, took a shower and proceeded to put on my Happy Face (what I call my make-up application). Alabama came into the room to grab my bag and put it in the trunk of my car. I was assuming that I would follow him and the grad assistant to the Embassy Suites Hotel as they checked into the room that we were to stay in for the next night or two.

Seated in my car, ready to follow them, Alabama walks up to the driver's side window and taps on it. I rolled it down and he proceeded to lean in and give me a kiss. He said "Thanks for coming to see me, drive safely."
SCCCCREEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAACCCHHHHHH!!!!!!
"Huh?", I replied confused as hell. "Where am I going?" He looked at me and said "Back to L.A." I gave him a blank stare. He proceeded with "I mean, I'm going to hit the road to drive back home myself. We don't have a place to stay."

It turned out that the Booster whose condo it was that we stayed in the night before, had rented out the condo to a couple on vacation for the weekend. Alabama had just been told of the arrangements the night before, and had made no other accommodations for us to stay elsewhere. When asked about the Embassy Suites deal, he said that it was $300 a night and he wouldn't be reimbursed for it. I sat there in disbelief with him staring back at me.

After a few minutes of silence, I bid my farewell to Alabama, as I mentally prepared myself to hit the road. Here it was, a little over 12 hours since I had arrived, and I was about to get back on the 101 and spend another 3.5 hrs in traffic before making it back to L.A. WTF?!

Reading my facial expression, I am sure Alabama knew that I was PISSED. He looked at me and said "Don't tell me that it wasn't worth it," with a sly grin. I let him know very politely that, no one and nothing is worth such a turn around trip and the time I wasted. I took off a day, spent $100 plus dollars all to play designated driver for a night??? I think not!

I drove down the winding road in La Jolla lined with sandy white beaches and asked myself "Why are you leaving again?" After all, I had been looking forward to hitting the beach for days. I got on the phone, called my dad, and asked him if he could book me a hotel room at the Embassy Suites. I found a Wal-Mart, bought myself a beach umbrella and a towel and headed for the Beach!

I sat under the umbrella most of the day with my notepad and a pencil. I spent some time with myself re-evaluating my life and my (mis)-adventures in dating. It was very tranquil. I was able to create several goals for myself, both long-term and short-term. But most importantly, I was able to reflect on my worth and my value.

One of the most important lessons that a father can set for his daughter is the standard by which men should treat her. It is through her father, that a woman learns what to accept and what not to accept from men. It is by his example that she sees the way a man is supposed to interact with a woman he is dating or married to. Because of the example that my father has set for me, I know that if I was not worth a simple $300 hotel room to him than he is NOT a man that I should even be associated with.

I am not a prima-donna, but I know how a man is suppose to treat me. My dad has taught me that if a man can't do what he has done for me or better, than I have no need for said man in my life. I understand that the economy is bad and people don't have as much cash flow as they need to. But I also understand that it is about simple communication. Had Alabama come to me shooting straight from the hip about the accommodations, then I would have been able to tell him that my father was an HHonors member and enough points for us to have a free hotel room for a couple of nights. But instead, he chose not to say anything and assume that I knew we had no where to go.

I spent the night in La Jolla and woke up the next morning to hit the beach for a final time before getting back on the road. Though the trip didn't end up the way it was planned, it had a much better ending. I was able to see Alabama's true colors, but most importantly, I was able to spend some time with ME.

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Workplace Fling!

For as long as I can remember (even before I held my own), I've known of the supposed taboos of dating co-workers. When I was younger, I remember watching shows or hearing family members discuss how office trysts always seemed to end in a mess for everyone involved...and even those who were not. So, when I joined the workforce, I promised myself that I would do my best to never cross that line. Well...that was until...Devon came along!

Generally, dating co-workers or even being tempted to date co-workers never really posed a problem. You see...I work in the fashion industry, which means there are lots of women and lots of gay men. Encountering a straight, overtly masculine man where I work is a rarity. So much so that when one does come along, he's generally swooped up by some lady in waiting! On top of my work environment consisting predominately of women and gay men, it's also very "race neutral" (for lack of a better phrase). By "race neutral," I mean that there isn't a lot of diversity where I work and meeting the "type" of men I like at work is likely to never happen. So..with all these "obstacles"... a girl should feel safe, right?

Wrong!

Imagine my surprise when I'm sitting at my desk, furiously focusing my attention on a very hot project. when I notice Devon standing in the hall talking to a co-worker. Just the sight of this straight and VERY sexy man wouldn't allow me to pull my eyes away! I'm embarrased to admit this but it's been a LONG time since I've seen such a fine specimen as that! Let alone one in my workspace! It took a second but once I caught myself starring, I turned my eyes to my computer screen and realized that I was not looking my fiercest today! I'd had a restless night's sleep and just threw myself together that morning. I immediately grabbed my make-up bag and ran from my desk (in the opposite direction) to the ladies room to make myself somewhat presentable. When I came out and was walking to my desk, I find Devon and another co-worker making rounds near my desk. My co-worker was introducing Devon to the team. As they approached my desk, my palms got sweaty and I tried my damndest to pretend not to even notice him there. When they finally made it to my desk, I was poised and ready to present myself in a professional but sexy way!! As they walked up, I crossed my legs and swung my chair around. And this could be expressed as the beginning of the end!

The minute we laid eyes on each other, it was obvious that there was a strong physical attraction radiating from both sides. We shook hands for what felt like 5 minutes and as Devon walked away, I noticed him turning back to check me out!! I felt like a 15 year old all over again. My heart was racing and I jumped on the phone to call C'est Chic as soon as I could. And of course she warned me of all the issues with dating a co-worker but encouraged me at the same time. In that moment, I decided that I wouldn't persue the situation but would let things run their course. And run...they did. On my way out the door, I ran into Devon in the stairwell. He stopped me and mentioned how excited he was to be working with me. He went on to ask me to lunch to talk about our company. He wanted to talk with someone about how he could succeed in his new job. So, being the polite and friendly person I am, I agreed to lunch the next day.

Lunch turned into dinners and before long, Devon and I were hot and heavy. We were spending nights together and even went on a weekend excursion together. Everything was going fine until we actually had to work on a project together. As the project manager, I was responsible for the ultimate success or failure of our project and it was my responsibility to lead our team. Needless to say, that didn't go over well with Devon. This confidant, charming, sexy man that I once knew was out the door!! Within days of starting the project, Devon turned into a difficult and bratty team member. Once I had to give him feedback on a piece he put together and he was not having it. He became very ugly with me and even went so far as saying that I was only giving him this feedback because of an argument we had a few nights earlier. Working with Devon was hell!! So much so that any time we spent outside of work was strained and unenjoyable. By the end of the project, I didn't even see Devon with the same eyes. He'd turned from this beautiful man into a monster! So with the end of our project came the end of our relationship and friendship. I moved on from my job shortly after for a better position at a competitor. With the move I took many professional learnings...but the most valuable was definitely...don't date co-workers!

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