The Drive By: Part I

Mr 36 and I met shortly after I graduated from college. I had moved back to my hometown to attend graduate school. He was a young professional in a high profile career. We were both young and vibrant with the world at our fingertips. It was no surprise that we were attracted to each other immediately. He was tall, dark and handsome... I was petite, cute and sassy with tons of personality...a match made in heaven :)

Neither of us were looking for love, but you have no control over Cupid; when he strikes, he strikes. After a few months of hanging out, we both knew that we didn't want to share each other with anyone else, so we decided to become exclusive.

Things started out perfect. From the day that we met, we were inseperable. Though we had seperate residences, I spent the bulk of my time at his house. I was such a fixture in his daily routine, that he gave me a set of keys to his place so that I could come and go as I pleased. I rarely had to use them though, because for the most part, once my day ended, he was already home waiting for me. We had a routine that was pretty consistent. The only inconsistencies were every other weekend when he had to travel for his job. That was the time in which I spent with my sisterfriends. I had completely dissed them for the company of my new found beau.

About a year into our relationship, the dynamics began to change. His job became a little more demanding and stressful and caused his attitude to alter. The time we spent together started to be more infrequent and his moods were very fickle. I decided to give him a little breathing room, and started to spend more nights at my own apartment. I first noticed a significant change during the month of October. I remember it sooooo clearly. To say it was a few years ago, it still feels like yesterday.

It was a Tuesday evening. We spent every Tuesday together because generally Tuesday was his off day, and the only day that I didn't have any classes to attend. But for some weird reason this Tuesday was different. I didn't spend the night at his place the night before, so I called him early Tuesday morning to see what he had planned for us for the day. He didn't answer. I left a message around 10am and waited around for him to call me back. I cleaned my house, went to visit my parents, and went to run errands. 3pm came and he still hadn't returned my phone call. "Odd," I thought, so I called him again. No answer; left a message, no return call.

Since we had been together not one single day went by without us speaking. Since we had been together not one single Tuesday had gone by without us spending the day together. Since we had been together not one time had I left a message without my call being promptly returned. Something was odd, but I just couldn't place it.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. Things hadn't changed much. I wasn't sleeping over at his house every night anymore, and we were spending less and less time together. I would call him and sometimes he wouldn't return my phone call until the next morning. His main excuse would be that he had fallen asleep early because work was really wearing him out. That wasn't a far-fetched notion, but I wasn't buying the excuse. My woman's intuition had kicked in and I started to pay attention to other little things.

It was now November and I was very unsure at the turn our relationship was taking, but I didn't have much time to focus on it because I was trying to finish up my first semester of grad school. I had promised to commit myself to working on our relationship once the semester was over. I just didn't have the fortitude to do so at the time.

One Friday evening as I was leaving his house, I was involved in a car accident. I was hit from behind while sitting at a red light. The jolt was strong enough to make me have whiplash and my rear bumper was messed up pretty badly. The driver of the car, a young pretty girl, was very unapologetic; almost rude even. We exchanged the pertinent information and went about our business. She left me with a bad taste in my mouth. It wasn't until after she drove off that I realized that she worked for the same company as Mr. 36. He was bound to know her.

I immediately drove back to Mr. 36's house and told him about my fender bender. He was in a meeting when it happened so he was unable to meet me at the scene. I also mentioned to him the young lady's name and asked if he knew her. He said that he did know of her, but only in passing. Something about that young lady didn't sit well with me from the moment I met her. I'm not sure if it was the way she repeated my name after I introduced myself, or the way she stared me down as if she had met me before. I made it a point to get as much information on her as possible, simply because my gut told me to do so.

The next week turned month, things with Mr. 36 and I had gotten increasingly shaky. I took it upon myself to play Inspector Gadget, hoping to find some reason for the hot/cold that our relationship had become. I went through his dresser, caller ID, email, etc. I was unable to find anything suspicious. Was I over reacting?

A few nights later, Mr. 36 decided to play one of his disappearing acts again. By this time I was convinced that another woman was in the picture, I just had no way of proving it. After talking to a friend, I decided to go to his house to see if he was really asleep. I was growing tired of the foolish excuses that he was falling asleep at 8pm every day. He was a night owl and I found it to be almost impossible for him to go to bed that early, even if he was working a hectic schedule. Hell, I'm a sleeper and I don't even sleep that much! I told my mom what I was about to do and she tried to talk me out of it, but I was relentless. "No," I said, "I am going to drive over there and see if there are any cars parked outside of his condo." My mom advised me against it, but I was relentless.

She decided to come along for the ride. On our way there, she tried to talk me out of it. "If you feel the need to snoop, you should feel the need to leave. Never should your relationship get to a point that you don't trust him enough to have to go to these measures!" Her words went through one ear and out the next. We pulled into his community and drove down the street. "Stop here," my mom said. She offered to get out and jog the two additional blocks to his house so that I wouldn't drive directly in front of it. "Meet me at the corner on the next street." I obliged and met her around the block. When she got back in the car I looked at her, but she avoided eye contact. "Do you know anyone who owns a Silver Camry?"

Mr. 36 had an SUV. No one he knew (that I knew of) had a Silver Camry. The worst part of all of this is, it was after midnight and he did not mention having any company. The last time I spoke to him, which was 5 hours prior, he declined MY company, stating that he was tired and wanted to be alone. If that was the case, why was there a car in his driveway? Giving him the benefit of the doubt I called him to see if maybe someone popped up. No answer. I waited a few minutes and called back, no answer. I left a message, no response.

I debated on what I should do. I needed to drive by the house to see for myself. My mom begged me not to, but I couldn't listen to her on that one. I drove in front of his condo, and in his driveway sat a Silver Toyota Camry. The car was soooo familiar to me. It wasn't just ANY Silver Toyota Camry. It was the same Silver Toyota Camry that rear-ended me a month prior!!!! I knew it was the car, not simply because of the make and model, but because the dent still remained!!! WTF??!!

To Be Continued....

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Get A Life!

When in a relationship, it is important that my significant other (s/o) has his own life. I can not be anyone's everything, in that case, I feel pressured. I need a man who is secure in our relationship and in his manhood, that he allows me to be the Social Butterfly that I am. A man who has his own life, outside of our relationship. I have a very hefty social calendar, that varies from week to week. From weekend get-aways, to full-fledged international trips with the girls; play dates with my nieces and other family related outings; mid-week happy hour(s) with my co-workers and/or sister friends, this is the short list of my obligations and social dates.

Of course I do so much now because I am single. If I were in a committed relationship those outings would decrease from 6 days a week or so, to about 2 or 3. When I am married, I am sure it will have to decrease to less than that. But I don't believe that I have to lose my life entirely when I get into a relationship. I need a man who has friends. One who enjoys his friends' company and wants to hang out with them on a weekly basis. I need a man who has other obligations, one that volunteers in the community or has a hobby that takes up some time. Basically, I need a man with a life of his own.

Many men cringe at the thought of their woman hanging out on a weekly basis with her girl friends, especially if it involves alochol and nightclubs. I am not a clubber. As a matter of fact, I LOATHE the club. If I never had to step foot in one again, I wouldn't. I am more fond of martini bars and wine lofts as oppose to the booty poppin' atmosphere of the club. But I am very social. My sister-friends and I enjoy each others company. I would love for my s/o to join me in my social endeavors with the girls every once in a while, but I also desire the ability to "Do Me."

I was having a conversation the other night with a gentleman friend of mine about this very topic. He told me that he believes the reason I am single is because I do too much or DTM. I value this guy's opinion, so that statement weighed on me heavily throughout the day. So much so that I called him back later and asked him to elaborate. After promising to him that I would not get defensive or offended, he agreed to explain his comment. "You are always on the go. At any given point I can call you and you may be in Nova Scotia or somewhere. Men like to know that their woman is always readily accessible, and isn't flirting with some man in the club," he said. Did this statement have some validity? Or was he the type of guy I DO NOT want as a s/o?

I came across a post on yahoo that stated just that. Men want women who are "independent" (ya'll know I hate that word). Basically when the author elaborated, s/he said that men find it sexy when a woman has her own life and isn't "needy". Well, that's me! I am by far the most non-clingy woman I know. I used to be the woman that needed to be totally consumed with her man...but that was many moons ago and long before I met ME and fell in love with ME. That was in the stage of my life where I felt as if my sister-friends and family were expendable and would drop them at the drop of a hat to sit up under some man. Long gone are those days. While I crave the companionship of a man, I also crave the companionship of my family and friends.

I have come across several men lately that have a tough time dealing with the fact that I don't care to be consumed with only them every single day of the week. They also don't like the fact that my sisterfriends and I have weekly dinner dates that generally end with a few cocktails at a local bar. When I asked one why he wasn't fond of such, he basically reflected the sentiments of my guy friend. He said that it didn't sit well with him that I was probably intoxicated somewhere flirting with some random man in a bar. That is where the trust factor comes in. In order for me to live my life and continue to abide by my social calendar, my s/o will have to have 100% trust in me and our relationship.

Of course this guy doesn't have much trust for me, after all, we have only known each other for a couple of months. We aren't in a relationship so therefore he doesn't know me as a "girlfriend." I have said several times before on this blog that, as a girlfriend, I am 100% faithful. I have never cheated on any man in any relationship I've been in.

I have a girlfriend that has (3) kids and she is NEVER without a steady man in her life. I've always wondered exactly what it was about her that attracted the type of men that she attracts. What is she doing that I am not? She seems to always get the guys that want to wife her. Aside from the obvious (she's gorgeous, has a great shape and an even greater personality), she comes with obvious baggage: three rugrats and divorce papers. The men she attracts are not divorced single dads, they are young men who have never been married and have ZERO kids. That shocks me. As a single woman, I don't particularly care to date men with children because I don't believe that they are as flexible as I would care for them to be. I would assume that single men with no children would feel the same way, right? WRONG.

I think I've come to a healthy assumption about why single childless men would choose to date a woman with children over a single woman with no kids such as myself...because the woman with children seems to be more settled and easily accessible. Men would assume that a woman with kids wouldn't have as hefty a social calendar as I do. SIKE! My mommy/girlfriend has a much tougher social calendar than me. She has not only her own to juggle, but that of three kids to juggle as well. She runs around town like a chicken with her head cut off on a daily basis. The only time she slows down is when she has a man. Why? Because she puts his ass on daddy duty and he ends up helping her with the kids. orIs it the comfort in assuming that women with children are more settled that a single woman with no kids? Do I need to have some kids in order to get a man to take me seriously? Is it that I have to put a dude on Daddy Duty in order to get him to stop playing the field and committ? Geez.

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My Love Stories: PhD and ME!

Y2K brought about many great things in my life. It was a new decade full of new possibilities. I was a young free-spirited college student who was enjoying freedom miles away from home. I had just begun to take classes in my major and was extremely excited about it. I had landed a coveted internship with a leading corporation in my field of interest and I had met a man that would forever redefine the meaning of Love to me and for me.

I first met PhD during my junior year of college. He was finishing up his last year at the university as an engineering major. I had heard stories about him long before I met him. The stories were about a guy on campus that was extremely handsome and equally smart, but I had never seen him nor met him. That was, until a late winter's evening in the "Big Easy." We were on a school break and coincidentally PhD and I ended up in the same city. We met, exchanged contact information and the rest is history. After meeting him, I totally understood why he was such an enigma for so long!

Our first telephone conversation lasted 2 hours! We hit it off immediately and talked on the phone like little kids until 2am knowing good and well, that we both had class bright and early the next morning. We had so much to talk about and so many things in common; our similarities were uncanny. Over the course of the semester, we remained in contact, but being that he was preparing for graduation he didn't have much time to spare. Every free moment that he had, we communicated...but it wasn't much. The end of the semester came, he graduated and embarked on a 5 year stint in the Mid-West to get his PhD, I left campus for an internship in the South, and our communication seemed to have died off. That was until a stroke of fate landed us in the same city at the same time for a month at the beginning of the summer.

The month that he was in town for training, we spent every day together. From lunch dates, to dinner dates and long walks and intense conversations in between, our romance was budding and our bond had begun to form. This was the first time in my life that I ever experienced someone's genuine interest in me and my life. He seemed completely enthralled and interested in the stories of my youth, my family and my quest for a purpose driven life. He kept me laughing with his incredible sense of humor and spoiled me rotten. Time definately flies when you're having fun; that month came and went faster than ever.

Being without him drove me crazy, and vice versa. We counted down to the days that we were able to see each other again...which were mainly weekends. We made sure to make every minute that we were together count. It was obvious to everyone around us that we were a match made in heaven. From bar-be-que's to comedy shows, and everything else in between, we had a ball together.

At the time, I just thought it was a strong like that I had for PhD. It wasn't until months later that I realized that what I was feeling wasn't just like, it was love. Everything about him made me love him. From his quirkiness to his intelligence, and of course his New York swagger...I was smitten. He had become my best friend. At the time, I was going through a tough situation with my closest girlfriends. He was there for me, comforting me and re-assuring me when I was at my lowest point. I shared with him more than I had ever shared with another human being. To this day, he could blackmail me; he knows some very intimate details of my life, details that not even those closest to me know. He was protective of me and was my biggest supporter. It was the two of us against the world....we were Crazy in Love.

The summer ended and our availibility and accessibility to each other began to decrease. We were thousands of miles apart in two seperate time zones. He had begun a very grueling doctoral program, and I was entering into my senior year of college. Opportunities to communicate were few and far between, and the option to visit one another was almost non-existant. We were broke college students with crazy school schedules. It was damn near impossible to see each other during the semester. I was adamant about trying to make it work by any means necessary, he on the other hand, felt like it would be too much of an effort, after all...we had no idea when we'd ever live in the same city again. And at that young of an age, long distance dating simply wasn't a sensible option. We tried our hardest to make it work in spite of the odds surrounding us. I tried to be supportive and understanding of his program and the position that he was in, but truth be told, I was a spoiled selfish brat.

I often allowed my mind to wander and others to implant in my head that since he wasn't calling me on a daily basis, that he was probably cheating and didn't really love me like I thought he did. After all, he had never verbally said he loved me. I only knew that he did because of his actions....during the summer. Truth be told, at the time, his actions were no longer reflecting the actions of a man in love. The final straw was when he didn't call me on my 21st birthday. That, to me, was unacceptable. He apologized perfusely about forgetting such an important milestone in my life. I was completely devastated, as that was uncharacteristic of him, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that he was changing. He wasn't the same man that I fell in love with over the summer.

I showed my entire azz and acted a plum fool. He was overwhelmed...overwhelmed with school work, overwhelmed with family issues, and overwhelmed with my demands for more attention and communication. The expendable part of that equation was ME. Our infrequent conversations turned into non-existant ones. Just as our love was unspoken, our break up was too. The fire that was once our summer love, had died down and soon became nothing but ashes and soot. I was devastated. I cried myself to sleep many nights wondering if I had single-handedly caused our relationship's demise.

If only.

If only I had not been so demanding; If only I had been more patient and understanding; If only I had not caused such a big commotion about him forgetting my birthday...maybe, just maybe, we would still have been together.

The reality is that we were very young. Too young to have even been seriously thinking about a way for us to sustain a relationship, especially given the other more important decisions that we had to make for ourselves and our lives. He was mature enough to see that, I on the other hand wasn't. I did not believe in giving up, and probably would not have given up on our relationship if he hadn't walked away first.

I remember one late (or shall I say early) January morning. Fresh off of a date with another guy, I walked into my apartment and broke down on the foyer floor. The guy that I went out with was attractive, intelligent, attentive and available, but he wasn't Ph.D! And afterall, the only person I wanted was Ph.D. Without making note of the time, I picked up the phone and called PhD. It was about 2am his time and he was obviously in a deep sleep. He answered, and all I could muster up was a faint "What happened to us?" and then the tears came. Being the patient man he was (and is), he listened to me as I tried to speak through sobs and tears. He did his best to comfort my aching heart and listen to my ranting and raving. After I calmed down, he sensibly told me that I still meant the world to him, but at that point in his life, he could not juggle the demands of a relationship. His major focus was his education and career, but that didn't mean he loved me any less. I was unsatisfied, intoxicated and uninterested in his feable attempts to soothe my aching heart. I had to get over it...and him.

I often think back to that Summer, the Summer of 2000. The one in which I fell in love with an awesome man. We still communicate and try to see each other at least once a year. The last few times we've gotten together, life's stuggles and strife intervened and caused us to have less than perfect weekends, but a good time nonetheless. I truly believe that he is my soul mate. I have come to the conclusion that sometimes Soul Mates aren't necessarily meant to be in a forever relationship. A soul mate doesn't have to be the one you spend the rest of your life with. I am just lucky to have found him, because some people never do. I am not sure where our lives will take us. We live on seperate ends of the country, neither of us willing or interested in giving up our careers and personal ambitions to conform to the other's lifestyle. We will continue to see each other and have wonderful moments together as long as we are both single. And who knows what the future holds, and what God intends. But one thing I do know is, if no other man in my life ever loved me, PhD did, and I loved him just the same. Every time I see him or hear his voice, I am immediately transformed to the Summer of 2000...the Summer I first fell in Love.

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No B*tchassness!

I get weirded out by dudes who seem to have chick tendencies. You know the ones, men that stay in the mirror much longer than you do, the ones who don't like to get dirty or break a nail, the metrosexuals. They really give me the creeps, to say the least. But the ones that really make me ancy are the ones that are clingy.

NO B*tchassness- in the words of Diddy. I couldn't have come up with a better quote. I was kicking it with this guy that I call Christopher Williams. Why do I call him that? Well, cuz he has an uncanny resemblence to the 90s R&B singer by the same name. By all accounts Christopher Williams is a nice guy. He opens doors, showers me with compliments, and is very attentive. However, he is NOT in my starting line up. He is the 2nd string guy that I call when the starting line up needs to be benched for whatever reason or another. Lately, my starting line up has been on their p's and q's, so Christopher Williams has been warming that good ole hard bench. I don't think he cares for that too much. He keeps calling me!!!!!!!

Yesterday, I decided to return one of his 50 million fall calls. We exchanged pleasantries and then he said "You must be Terry McMillan cuz u play disappearing acts." Ummmmm, insert long pause here. I was confused. Am I obligated to call him every day? Am I even obligated to respond to his texts? I don't think so. I did remind him that I was out of town on business, in a totally different time zone, and frankly I just didn't have the time to appease him by making courtesy phone calls. He listened attentively, as he always does, and then started whining. It was such a turn off!!!!! All I heard was "wah wah wah wah wah", like the adults on the Peanuts cartoons.

After letting him whine for a few minutes, I decided to cut the convo short. I told him that I would be in touch, and he said "I won't hold my breath." Such a b*tchass statement! I recall using that line a time or two when I was young and dumb. I gave a soft chuckle before disconnecting the call. Needless to say, I doubt if Christopher Williams will delight in the pleasure of my convo let alone company again. NO B*TCHASSNESS!

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