When A Man Loves A Woman...

...he isn't afraid to show it! This isn't a political blog, it is a blog about relationships. I am not here to solicit votes for Barack Obama nor pursuade anyone to support him if they aren't. I simply fell in love with these pictures because they portray exactly what it is I wish to some day obtain. No relationship is perfect, and who knows what goes on behind closed doors in the Obama household. However, one thing can be assumed....this man LOVES his woman. He not only LOVES her, but LIKES and RESPECTS her. Look at the pictures...look at the look in his eyes. Just the way he looks at her says it all.

Let me not forget to mention that it is also evident that Mrs. Obama totally LOVES, supports and believes in her husband and his abilities. Listening to her speak about him at a rally totally warmed my heart. No matter what anyone says, it all goes back to LOVE! We all know that sometimes LOVE alone isn't enough to sustain a relationship, for LOVE works hand in hand with different factors such as mutual respect and loyalty...but it is the LOVE couples share that inspires them to work hard when times get rough...LOVE is what leads you to the act of making LOVE and producing off-spring as symbols of that LOVE...LOVE is the tingly feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see your significant other...LOVE makes you a more pleasant person to deal with on a daily basis....LOVE gives you 10,000 additional reasons to live, breath and smile...LOVE is what we NEED!

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Reunited...but does it feel so good?

Last weekend I received a text message from a number that was not stored in my phone. The message simply read "How are you doing?" I was on a date, so I didn't really have time to reply to the anonymous texter. Later that night, I looked at the message again and tried to place a name with the number. I was unsuccessful. I hate when people call back a number they don't know and say "Did somebody just call me??" That is so rude and unnecessary to me, but I decided to do the text equivalent of that- I sent a reply message and it read: "Hey. Who's this?" The sender never responded.

A week later, the sender re-sent another message, this time it read "Hello lady- it's (insert sender's name). Just checking on u. How are u?" It then hit me that the sender was the former Bachelor #1. I haven't spoken to him since our text breakup in December. Actually, we communicated in January about him sending the items I left at his house...needless to say, I have YET to receive them- but I digress. It was a surprise to hear from him. After all, I had given him another month before I was sure that he would contact me. They all do. No man ever stays gone for too long- they all come back with their tail between their legs begging for forgiveness. I knew that he would resurface, but I thought that it wouldn't be until April or later- so the timing shocked me.

I responded "I'm good, thanks for asking." That lead to a few additional prodding texts (he was trying to test the temperature of the water before he dove in). I kept it short and sweet with one word responses and simple phrases. Finally he got to the point of his text communication "I would like to see you- if that's possible," was the text he sent. I replied "in reference to???" I was playing stupid. Of course I knew why he wanted to see me...why wouldn't he? lol. Seriously though, I am sure that he realized lonnnnng time ago that he was sooooo wrong for the way he ended things between us. I was initially opposed to seeing him. Hell, I didn't have anything to say to him and really didn't care to hear what he had to say to me. But after some careful thought and consideration, I decided to go ahead and bless him with my presence. Coincidentally, he wanted to meet up at a place that I was already en route to, so I agreed to the reunion.

He arrived before I did, and as I walked up and saw him sitting in the booth, my heart actually fluttered a bit; afterall, I had begun to develop feelings for him during the time we dated. He spotted me as I approached the booth he was sitting in and he stood up to greet me. When he hugged me, it immediately brought back the way I felt the very first time our bodies touched- in this same place. His arms wrapped around me tightly, with my head resting in his chest. I felt safe there, his hugs felt like they could protect me from the dangers of the world. He gave the best hugs, I missed that about him. I didn't want him to let me go, and it felt like he didn't want to let me go- but he did. I sat at the table directly across from him and gave him a quick once-over. He looked the same...same beautiful white teeth, flawless dark skin. Same lame old Lacoste shirt that I've seen him wear a time to many. No extra facial hair, no extra poundage. Not much had changed since the last time I saw him...not even the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach. I didn't really know how I was supposed to act. Part of me wanted to be cold and distant, but another part of me wanted to just be me-C'est Chic. The first few minutes were a tad bit awkward, two dirty martinis later, everything was a-ok.

We had what I consider surface conversation for about 30 minutes. A lot of "catching up" questions and answers. It almost felt as if we were getting to know each other all over again. He informed me of his current job status, his goals for the next month or two, and his son's progress is school. We spoke briefly about some things that were going on in his life the last time we talked and he updated me on the progress of his business ventures. I spoke about what was going on in my world and we even shared a few laughs. Then I asked the question I had wanted to ask since I entered the room "Where's my shit- punk??" He laughed. He told me that he wished that he could say that the things he were supposed to mail to me two months ago were in the trunk of his car, but that wasn't the case. He apologized for dropping the ball on that responsibility and told me he had realized that I had given up in my quest to retrieve them. I told him that I refused to continue to sweat him behind some jeans and shoes, and that I knew he knew he had a responsibility to send me my things but he just hadn't cared enough to do so. That then led to the discussion about how things ended between us.

I told him that I wouldn't have been able to leave our "reunion" without expressing to him how I felt in the wake of things. I told him that some of the things he said about me really hurt my feelings and I felt that he could have been a little more tactful in his delivery as well as a little more mindful about his timing (hell it was the day before Christmas!). I expressed to him that I hated the fact that he chose the medium of texting to break things off instead of calling or meeting up with me face to face. He acknowledged his part in the demise of our "friendship" (or whatever you wanna call it) and admitted that it was just a little too much too soon for him. Then he began to speak some profound words. He began to say that he didn't know how to handle what seemed to be developing between the two of us. He does not have good examples of relationships in his life, so he was ignorant to the way a relationship was supposed to be. All he knew was- here was this girl with beautiful eyes an incredible smile and a loving nature, that practically swept him off his feet. He loved the way he felt when he was around me- but he didn't like the feeling at the same time. As a single parent, he told me his main focus has always been the care and betterment of his child, but with me in the picture, it had become the care and betterment of me also. He didn't know how to juggle the two. Often times I would make him feel like he wanted to stay in the bed with me all day, or spend every free hour with me and around me. He knew that was next to impossible because he is the sole care giver and provider for his child. It was a new feeling to him, one he wasn't comfortable with, and the best thing he could do at the time was shut me out. He felt like he was doing me a favor by pulling away. He didn't want to revert to the "Just dating" status because that would have been equivalent to a demotion in our relationship. So he preferred to take the All or Nothing approach and keep the Nothing end of it.

In those moments when he was looking into my eyes and speaking those words, I felt a warmth in my heart. So many times I beat myself up for not being enough or not doing enough, but in those minutes, I knew it had NOTHING to do with what I did or didn't do. Even though he initially tried to pin the demise of our friendship on my reaction to things, he admitted to me last night that those were "just excuses!" Then he said in the most utter and sincere tone "C'est Chic, How do you tell a person that it's actually YOU that's F'ed up??? How can you admit to not only yourself, but someone else you care about, that YOU are the problem- not them, without making it sound cliche?" I shrugged. As he held my face in his hands and gently rubbed my cheeks, he said "I sincerely mean it when I say that any man that gets you is one lucky dude. I don't deserve you."

That saddened me. Even though I know that I harbor some non-favorable qualities, I also know that I obtain twice as many Favorable ones. I constantly believe that I am a work in progress and that the short comings I have today won't last forever. I work on them daily and work vigorously towards my pursuit of betterment. I not only know I am worth great things, I EXPECT great things. When I expressed that to him, his reply was "that's the difference between the two of us- I don't expect nothing."

It was also in that moment that I realized that even though Bachelor #1 really is a great guy, he's not the great guy for me. The great guy for me is not only confident that he deserves better, but he EXPECTS only the best. His expectations are so high,, because he believes he's worth it! He won't be afraid of the feeling he gets when we are together, because that feeling is the feeling he's been missing and desiring and likewise.

I am grateful to God for small favors. He no longer allows me to get too involved with men that don't fulfill my requirements. Because of this, I am confident that what I expect isn't far-fetched. My expectations aren't overzealous or unreasonable. They are simple necessities. That evening, I returned home confident in the decisions that I made regarding Bachelor #1....I left confident that it wasn't ME nor was it anything I did or didn't do that pushed him away; I left confidently knowing that though we crossed each others paths for a brief moment, it wasn't meant to be anything more than a learning lesson. And I call it a Lesson Learned!

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All I Need...

I make lists for everything....what to purchase from the grocery store, what Cd's to buy, things to do, etc. Each and every year at the beginning of the year I also make a list of the things I want to accomplish that year and ways I would like to better myself. This year was no exception. I hold myself accountable to these lists and if there is something that isn't "scratched off" I keep the list until it is.

So it should be no surprise that I have created a list of what my H.I.M would ideally encompass. The list I created has very few physical requirements, most are character traits. It is more important to me that I meet a man with integrity, morals and values than whether or not he has a goatee...BUT he can't be wearing a jersey :)

Each year I view the list I've created for H.I.M. and add to it or subtract from it. I never really subtract anything, but I have found that with each new year there is a new requirement. Some people have told me that my list is not beneficial, it is actually detrimental. To those people I simply reply "if you have no standards you will accept ANYTHING!" My list is simply about standards, the bare minimum requirements I expect in a person I incorporate in my life permanently. If I have lists and standards for myself, why wouldn't I have the same for my mate???

I am not alone in this practice. I have asked several women, married and single, if they had a list of requirements as well. It even shocked me to find out that several men do this too. I believe that it is a great way to keep an open perspective about your ideal candidate for marriage as well as it holds you accountable to dating quality men.

I don't have any unrealistic expectations....I am not asking for a 6'8 multi millionaire with hazel eyes and cold black hair....I don't expect to marry a man with an IQ high enough to rival Einstein. It isn't necessarily that he has the athletic ability of Lebron James or Peyton Manning. I won't go into a detailed explanation of my list or post it in its entirety, but in short, my list looks a little something like this:

1. Sense of Spirituality
2. Good relationship with mother and father
3. Ambitious
4. Financially stable
5. Family oriented
6. Trustworthy and honest
7. Successful in career and has clear ideas of career goals
8. Dependable
9. Sense of Humor
10. Educated
11. Pleasant personality
12. Quiet Confidence and self assurance

That is a short version of the characteristic list. The physical list goes a little something like this:

Over 5'10", without a belly or obvious bulges, would prefer tall dark and handsome :)
Can NOT wear jerseys unless going to a sporting event, and should not have locks.
STRAIGHT WHITE TEETH IS A MUST!
Clean finger nails that aren't nubs! I hate a nail biter.


Told ya I'm not really particular about the physical. Of course we all like what's appealing to the eye and aesthetically pleasing, but truth be told, looks are only a small part of the whole. I would love nothing more to have one of God's BEAUTIFUL creatures with the looks of Lamann Rucker, the body of Bryce Wilson, the height of Boris Kodjoe and a smile and dimples like Dwight Howard...but truth be told, sometimes what looks good to ya, ain't good for ya! So speaking from experience, the only major concern I have with a man's looks is whether or not he is leading the Million Short Man March and if he has good genes cuz ya girl wants cute and smart kids :)

However, what matters most to me is that I am blessed with a man that will be a good provider, a great father and the ultimate role model for my sons. I want a man with strength and tenacity so that he can the lead our household, while still respecting and noting my thoughts and opinions; I want a man that will make me laugh until I damn near piss in my panties, one who doesn't mind laughing just as hard right along with me; I want a man who loves God, cherishes his mother, respects his father and cares for his family- because without that, it will be hard for him to know how to love me and our children; I want a man who knows the importance of education and can stress that to our off-spring, but has a bit of hustle in him so that if times get rough, I can trust that he will do anything and everything possible to keep his family stable; I want a man that will create a legacy for our family, even if it means nothing to anyone else; I want a man that loves me for me, flaws and all. One who knows that I am perfectly imperfect, but still loves me unconditionally; I want a man who respects me totally, all of me- my body and my mind; I want a man that would stop at nothing to protect me from danger even if it means putting himself in harms way; I want a man that doesn't mind me wrapping my hair and tying it in a scarf at night because he knows that a sista has some Kizzy in her!; I want a man that motivates me to continuously be the best person I can be and at the same time is striving to be the best he can be as well; I want a man that has INTEGRITY! One that leads by example. One that believes in telling the truth even if it hurts, one that has my back at all costs; I want a man that is affectionate and showers me with kisses especially on those days that I feel defeated; I want a man who allows me room to spread my wings- and DO ME, but knows exactly how to reel me back when I've gone a little too far; I want a man that doesn't walk away from me when the going gets tough and when life's problems start to rear its ugly head; I want a man that will go to church with me, will get on his knees and pray to God in thanksgiving for everything we have and even what we don't have; I want a man that cherishes me and realizes my worth; I want a man that will be a great example of what a man SHOULD be for my daughters and how a man SHOULD act for my sons; I want a man who isn't afraid to try something new, to step out on faith and one that doesn't always play it safe; I want a man who isn't afraid to make mistakes, and when he does, one who is humble enough to admit them and even apologize; I want a man that isn't hung up on looks and realizes that even though I am a dime, there is so much more to me than the physical; I want a man that stimulates my mind and warms my body; I want a man that I can talk to about any and everything, one that is ok with being my best friend; I want a man that can get on his hands and knees and change a flat tire- or hell- one that will pay someone to do it if he doesn't wanna mess up his Armani suit; I want a man that accepts my desire for nice things and doesn't make me feel bad about my shallowness; I want a man that doesn't feel out of place when thrust into my big fat black southern family; I want a man who is aware of the power of the tongue, one who chooses his words wisely and doesn't hit below the belt; I want a man who is disease free, who doesn't have a bunch of illegitimate children and just as many baby mamas; I want a man that respects the covenant of marriage and is mindful of what the role of a "husband" requires; I want a man who isn't afraid to cry if that's how he feels, one that will wipe away my tears and know that they aren't a sign of weakness. But most of all I want a man that not only LOVES me, but LIKES and RESPECTS me genuinely and unconditionally. Because that very man, will get all of that and more when he gets me!

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