My Love

You chose her cause she's sweet as pie
Take what you give,even your life
But baby, are you happy without me?
She scrubs your back, washes your clothes
Gives you everything that you ask for
But don't you ever want more?
~Jill Scott

I am not a weirdo…I just love music…real music…songs with a message. Most often than not, I find a song that parallels my current life situation, most of the time it relates to my life in the dating lane. So, often times I quote a song or title a post or experience after the song that I think of when I reminisce on the situation.

Hence the title of this post: My Love. My Love is a song recorded by Jilly from Philly. You MUST read the lyrics here. The first time I heard it, I got chills! Every single word that she sings, completely explains how I feel. I promise, Jill was in my head when she wrote and recorded 80% of the songs on her latest cd The Real Thing: Words and Sounds Vol 3. But I digress. From the moment I heard My Love it reminded me of the only man I can really say that I love, Mr.36. I used to believe that he was my H.I.M. but I am not so sure now, especially since now he is someone else’s husband.


I found out on my birthday this year that Mr.36 was married. He informed me that he had gotten married a year ago to the chick he dated in college…the chick that broke his heart and made him unavailable to completely give me 100% of himself.

At the time he and I started dating (5 yrs ago) he was a scorn man. According to him, she had left a bad taste in his mouth. He could no longer trust women- didn’t want to be vulnerable and hurt again. By his own admission, prior to meeting me, he thought that it was impossible to ever trust another woman with his heart. But when he met me, supposedly he realized that indeed, he could love again....and did.

I’ve always secretly despised her- the chick he dated in college. I despised her for what she did that caused him to not be totally available to me. I despised her because I knew somewhere deep down inside of him, he still loved her. I despised what I assumed they had together- a relationship with no boundaries…pure unadulterated bliss…the kind of love that was blind and wreckless. But instead, the relationship he and I shared was more practical, guarded, safe. He never allowed himself to be totally vulnerable to me and to our love and I despised her for that. I blamed HER for his emotional unavailability; for him being hot and cold; for the emotional rollercoaster ride he and I always seemed to be on!

Our relationship was full of ups and downs…rough spots and tough roads. It had gotten to a point that I realized that we weren’t progressing and I needed to end the relationship. I moved halfway across the country to purge him from my sysstem, yet still found myself holding on to the “rope of hope” that someday, somehow, we would be together. We continuously communicated in some fashion, never quite losing touch with each other. Somewhere not too far in the back of my mind I always thought we would end up sharing forever together….but I was so wrong.

This summer he called me out of the blue and wanted to have some "real talk" with me. For an hour I listened to him declare his love for me and apologize for all of the pain he may have caused me. He went on to say how no matter what goes on in our lives that I am still his and he is still mine, we share this unbreakable bond that the masses could only wish for…yada yada yada. That conversation left me feeling warm and fuzzy on the inside. I’ve never doubted his love for me, he just had a strange way of showing it! Shortly after that phone conversation, I found out that he and said girl had gotten married in the Bahamas. The trip he told me he was taking with his boys was actually his wedding trip!

I was heartbroken. I couldn’t believe that he actually married someone! I had no knowledge of him dating anyone seriously, let along a fiancé- and he had gotten married!?! For the longest I couldn’t even speak those words nor wrap my psyche around the fact that he was actually married to another woman. All of the days I spent doodling my first name with his last, it would never actually happen….someone else was his MRS. It sickened me to the core. And, it was her! The woman I’d grown to despise. Here she was again, wreaking havoc on my life! How did they even end up back together? After all he swore he would never even spit in her direction…

Yesterday I received a text message from him. This is the second time in a few weeks that he has tried to reach out to me. I have not spoken to him since he broke the news that he was married. It has been almost 5 months, which is the longest that we have ever gone without contact. Initially I wasn’t going to respond to his message, until the rest started pouring in. I received several messages from him stating how much he loved me and that he misses me and our relationship. He went on to say that he often thinks about us and the fun times we had, and is hurt that I am no longer in his life. That he can’t believe that I would throw our friendship away, and he never thought that I would ever turn my back on him…he went on to say that he needs me to be in his life because I understand him better than any female- including his mother…that without me he is miserable…and we can exist in each other’s lives no matter what other things we have going on. He said a whole lot more, but I wont bore you with the details of his epiphany. I simply replied “u are married now, it is important for me to respect your wife and your family. We are not JUST friends…I would not want my husband to have a friend like me.” Of course he can’t understand that.

He truly believes that we can co-exist: as in OUR relationship (with all of the history and chemistry) alongside his MARRIAGE. Oh and get this, he even went as far as to say that he is not completely happy and all is not well with he and the wifey! I HATE that excuse from married men. It’s so cliché! The bottom line is this: I have NEVER been the woman to be second best; I am far too selfish for that. Not only that, but I refuse to commit adultery. At some point folks need to be held responsible and accountable for their actions, and as far as marriage is concerned, I will never let a married man off the hook. I believe in reaping sown seeds. At some point I hope to find my H.I.M. and pray to God that my H.I.M. chooses to respect me and our nuptials and honor our commitment to each other.

The email conversation between Mr.36 and I was very emotionally draining but so very necessary. I had questions that needed to be answered, and obviously he felt compelled to tell me what’s been on his heart- “real talk” as he calls it. Real talk that is too little, too late.

My love is deeper
Tighter
Sweeter
Higher
Flyy-er
Didn't you know this,
Or didn't you notice?

Why is it that after standing before God, parents and pastor brother bishop deacon doctor; after spending tons of thousands of dollars on the wedding production, why oh why does one suddenly realize AFTER the grand hoopla that they married the wrong person? What prompts the sudden revelation? And how do you live with yourself and this person and create a life together, knowing that you are secretly pining for someone else?

I've come to realize that if I truly believe that I love him, which I do…If I truly believe that I want what’s best for him, which I do…then I can’t be selfish. Wanting what’s best for a person isn’t necessarily what YOU think is best for them. What’s best for him at this moment is not me and has nothing to do with me. My genuine love for him makes it a tad bit easier to say that I genuinely want him to be happy, even if that means without me.

XoXo,
CC