Sex With My Ex

I try to make sure that when I break up with a guy, I never dip back in the pot of goodies just for the sake of doing so. But right before I decided to become abstinent, I had a continuous sexual affair with my ex. I tried to justify this activity in a variety of ways. I used to say that the reason I kept him around sexually was because he knew my body very well and he could please me like none other. I made myself believe that it was better for me to have sex with him than to add another notch on my sex-list. I even thought that the constant physical relationship we had was better since the commitment was no longer there. I was lying to myself.

The entire time we were intimately involved I was a ball of emotions- a hot mess. He was too, even though he only recently admitted to it. Our commitment ended in May of one year, but the physical relationship didn’t end until July of the next year. We were consistently intimately involved- almost more than we were intimately involved when we were in a relationship.

Only recently have I begun to realize that subconsciously I was still holding on to our relationship. And he was assisting me. I call it the rope of hope. He would give me just enough to keep me holding on to the notion of us one day being together. Though it was obvious to me that the relationship we shared was not good for my esteem, I still couldn’t shake the thought of him…and US. The sex kept getting better and better, and I translated that as meaning we were getting closer and closer. The truth was I was only widening an already gaping hole.

I didn’t see it then, but I was giving myself to someone who didn’t deserve me. I was submitting to his sexual appetite and scratching his itch in the bedroom, but I was no longer a part of the rest of his life- where it really mattered. I was conceding to his wants and desires, but he wasn’t reciprocating those actions. I wanted a relationship, love, adoration, a mate. He wanted sex, sex and more sex on his time and on his dime. And I gave it to him. I wasn’t anything more than a high priced call girl. When he called I went, often traveling hundreds of miles, enduring TSA and the hassle of the airport just to be his supply. A call girl. No I didn’t receive money for our sexploitations, and I tried to hide the acts behind the walls of our past…he once belonged to me, and I to him. But that time was no longer. I was only his piece.

One morning I stood in the mirror and looked at myself…really looked at myself…and saw an unfamiliar face. Since when did I stoop to such a low level? How did I allow myself to be short changed. I looked deep into eyes I didn’t recognize even though I’ve seen them all of my life, I tried to read deep into the blank expression, but there was no emotion. I had become numb.

It was that day, in front of that mirror in my bathroom that I decided that I would give of my body no more. Even though I derived moments of pleasure, I would endure many more moments of pain in its wake. The plane I was to board for our latest rendezvous destination was going to take off without me on it. And I didn’t even give him a courtesy call.I decided in that moment to honor myself. I deserve someone that will not only cherish me and my body, but meet and exceed my expectations and needs.

This post is for all of you women out there that are giving of yourselves mentally and especially physically and receiving peanuts in return. Yes, he may make you feel good in the bedroom, but is he making you feel good in the Dating Lane? Does he deserve ALL of your Goodies?

Food for thought- eat it if you’re hungry.

XoXo,
CC