Background Check!

My New Year's Resolution for 2009: Invest in A Background Check on my Gentlemen Callers!
I've decided that I'm going to start doing background checks on the guys that I date. Not just any guy, mainly the ones that I start investing interest in. Let's see, hmmmm....after about the 3rd date, I think it will be safe to invest $29.99 and find out if he is actually worth my time.

The background check isn't to find out if he has a six figure income or if he lives in a house atop a hill. It is to find out if said guy is actually who he portrays to be! This bright idea didn't come about out of sheer nosiness or boredom. It is has come from a place of necessity. What is the likelihood of one single woman, becoming involved in some form or fashion with (3) married men, disguised as single men, in a 4 month period?! That has been the common theme in my dating lane experiences as of late.

I think it has most to do with the fact that most of the men I date, live in other cities. I used to think that dating men long distance was a good thing. The whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" deal, coupled with the fact that I love SPACE, made dating long distance a-ok in my book. What I am beginning to learn in my older age, is that distance tends to allow more room for dishonesty. The distance allows some dishonest men (and I'm sure women as well) to live double lives. They can take a break from the monotony of their everyday lives and MARRIAGES and travel down south for a great time with a great girl.

In a conversation with one of the "wives" she brought to my attention that her husband stated to her in a recent email "Maybe I do want to be single sometimes...maybe I do want to meet a woman with no children who can get up and go whenever...maybe I do want to have an equal partner that actually brings something to the table, someone who dresses differently and has style and class." She actually sent me that email correspondence between the two of them. Doesn't this sound JUST like me?? Am I now someone's conquest? I felt so sorry for her! She seemed so sweet and sounded so hurt when she found out that not only was he thinking of doing such, he actually WAS!

Out of the (3) of them, only (1) actually took me by surprise. The other two I haven't known for an extended period, and basically were still in the "getting to know you" phase. Though they each exhibited their own share of sketchy behavior that set off my inner alarm, it was nothing that would have led me to believe that they had WIVES. The exception, however, I have known for years and I was totally blind-sided and disappointed when I found at that he has been omitting the fact that he married the mother of his child. Lies of omission are still LIES. I can't help but think that if I would have done a little investigation, I would have known before hand that none of these guys were worth my time. Their representatives were in full effect and shielded the assholes that resided within. This is enough to make any sane woman crazy! I totally feel Jazmine Sullivan and understand why some women "Bust Windows Out of Cars!" As she says, "You may think it's juvenile, but I think I deserve a reason to smile."

So...All the Single Ladies...$29.99 is worth your time!

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The Drive By: Part III

I wept the entire way home. My mom didn't utter a word. She didn't have to, I knew that she was incredibly disappointed in me. That hurt almost as much as his betrayal. She drove me to my apartment and escorted me up the stairs to my bedroom. I had returned to infant mode. I sobbed as my mom undressed me and put on my night clothes as if I were a 3 year old child. She gave me some water and two little pills (Tylenol PM) to assist me in calming down. She brushed my hair back into a pony-tail and rubbed my head as I cried in her chest. I fell asleep that night in her arms...I cried my self to sleep.

I woke up at about 4am, puffy-eyed and hurting. I couldn't shake the overwhelming sulking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I HAD to know how we had gotten here. I thought our relationship was so strong. This was the only man I ever loved. I thought we would marry, have 2.5 children and live happily ever after. He was my FRIEND! How could he do this to me? I grabbed my cell phone and went into the bathroom. I saw that I had 6 missed calls. One was from my dad, but the other 5 were from Mr. 36. The text message that he left said "I love you, I'm sorry." The tears began to fall. I dialed his number. When he answered, I began to cry harder. "Come over, I want to hold you," he said. Without responding, I hung up. Went back into my bedroom, through on some sweats and snuck out of my own apartment like a teenager as my mother slept in the other room.

When I got to the house I used my key to enter. Just a few hours prior, I was raging with anger as I walked down the very same hallway that I now tip-toed down. The bedroom door was open and I stood at the side of the bed looking down on him as he slept. So many things were going through my mind at the moment. The strongest thing was to just slap the shit out of him a few times while he was defenseless. But my love for him wouldn't allow me to touch him in a violent. I threw myself on top of him as the tears started streaming again. For a few minutes we said nothing. He just held me and rubbed my back. "Why???" He ignored the question... "What have I done to make you want someone else?" No response..."Who is she, don't you know that she is the chick that hit me???" Dead Silence. He spoke not a single word. I fell asleep in a familiar place...one that I had fallen asleep in so many times before, but this time, I felt like I didn't belong.

My mom called the house bright and early that morning. I'm sure she knew where I had gone when realized that I was no longer in the house. I couldn't imagine the look on her face when she went in my room to check on me, only to see that I wasn't there. But I was soooo messed up mentally, I really didn't care what she thought. I NEEDED to find out what was going on with Mr. 36 and our relationship. I HAD to be in his bed...assured that no one else was.

We didn't speak of that night at all. I didn't ask anymore questions, after all, he wasn't answering them anyway. So I got on my Inspector Gadget duties and started snooping. I searched and searched and searched but yet I found nothing. I was so obsessed with snooping it was a shame. It was almost as if I WANTED to find out something bad. Coming up empty handed was NOT pacifying me. Even though things had been pretty much back to normal between the two of us, I was still convinced that he was cheating on me. I would dig through drawers, intercept emails, check phone messages, browse through the caller id....EVERYTHING. But no dice. It started to irritate him and it was irritating me as well! Hell. I couldn't fall asleep without sneaking to read his emails for the day.

That mentality lasted for weeks...hell months. I could not sleep anywhere BUT at his house, even those nights when he was out of town. I had become the overly needy/clingy girlfriend. I had to know his whereabouts at all times, I insisted on meeting up with him and his friends occasionally when they went out...my mission was to be omnipresent. I had become a slave to my own thoughts, and it was ridiculous.

Things were never the same after the drive by. Though we tried our best to establish a relationship of normalcy, our attempts were unsuccessful. I didn't trust him, he thought I was going crazy, and I even felt as if I was going crazy. No relationship can sustain such dysfunction.

The dynamics of our relationship changed on that fall night when I took it upon myself to drive-by my man's house. As I pulled into the complex that day, I had no idea how much that singular action would impact the rest of my life and the relationships to come. My lack of trust in men, my zero tolerance for b.s., my own emotional unavailability directly stems from that day many, many years ago and my decision to show up unexpectedly at his house. In that instant, I did not know the impact that my actions would have on my life of love. Had I known, I might have stayed at home. There is some peace in the unknown.

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The Drive By: Part II

I sat in the car for a few minutes in complete shock. Was I really seeing what I thought I was seeing? I tried to wrap my psyche around everything that was going on, but it was too much. I began to replay the accident back in my head...she was irate, I was apprehensive, she was cold and mean toward me and she ran into the back of me...intentionally?? The accident took place as I was leaving Mr. 36's crib...now her car is in his driveway? He didn't even come to the scene. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??!! I had to know.

After sitting idle in the car for about a minute or two, I jumped out of the drivers seat and darted for his front door. The car was still running and my mom was left behind firmly saying my name, but I ignored her. I started banging on the door. My blood was BOILING. A light flicked on in the foyer leading up to the door. I heard footsteps, but was met with silence. He was looking through the peep hole.

"Open the damn door!", I yelled like a maniac. I banged harder, as if he would note my sense of urgency. It was unfounded; he still didn't answer. Then it hit me, I had a key! I ran back to the car, turned off the engine and yanked the keys. My mom was mumbling something, I guess she was trying to talk some sense into me, but it wasn't working.

I stomped back to the front door and started fiddling with the keys looking for the right one. My vision was hazy, my mind was cloudy, I was STEAMING! I couldn't think straight. Finding the key to his house would have normally been an easy job, especially given the fact that his key had a distinctive ring around it. But my mind was not thinking rationally. I finally found the key that fit perfectly and turned the lock...but the chain was on the door. I was so angry! I started cussing.

In the meantime, unknown to me, he was on the phone talking to my other as she sat in my car outside of the house. (That's another story in and of itself). She was basically telling him that I was outside, upset (as if he couldn't tell) and that it would be best if he came to speak to me as a man, instead of ignoring me. I didn't find out this little tidbit of information until lonnnnnnng after the incident.

Her speech to him must have worked, because he appeared moments later and unchained the door. "WTF is going on here!?" I asked. "Calm down baby, calm down," he said in a pacifying tone. "Don't you tell me to calm down, WTF is going on!!!!!!!!??????!!!!" Anyone who knows me well, knows that when I'm enraged, the storm follows tears....and the tears were streaming. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was trying to play peacemaker before the eye of the storm touched down.

He said some things to me along the lines of us having a lot to discuss, but not being able to get through to me in the condition I was in. He suggested that I go back home, get some rest, and we would meet for coffee in the am. I was peeping the scene. The lights in the living room and kitchen were off, which meant, he was upstairs in his bedroom or the game room. So, whomever the car belonged to was up there as well. SHE WAS IN HIS BEDROOM!?! "Uh Uh MFer, I ain't going NO DAMN WHERE!" With that said, I headed for the steps. He tried to stop me, but I was too fast. Taking two steps at a time, I ran up to his bedroom.

I flung open the bedroom door and began to assess the scene. The Play Station game was on pause at the far end of the room providing most of the light along with a candle that was burning on the nightstand. A Heineken bottle sat on the floor next to the bed alongside his cell phone and house phone, and a woman was at the foot of the bed putting on her pants. I was speechless. She looked up at me with an embarrassed look on her face and quickly looked back down at her pant leg. She picked up her purse whichT was sitting on his dresser and brushed pass me at the door. Headed for the front door, she rushed down the stairs, as if to escape the madness. I followed behind her calling her full government name. She peered back at me with agitated eyes. Yes, it was indeed her, the woman that caused the accident only days earlier. "Why are you here?", I screamed at her.(What a dumb question.) She didn't respond. I calmed my tone and re-asked the question. After all,no one wants to talk to a person when they are yelling at you. So I pretended to be calm and re-asked. "I asked you a question, please don't ignore me." She turned around, looked me dead in the face and said "Ask HIM why I'm here," and headed out of the door.

I generally don't deal with confrontation well, but it wasn't the normal me in this situation. I had been taken over by an outside force. Beyonce would call her Sasha Fierce...I didn't have the desire to name her. She was a stranger. Her strength was so strong, she caused me to do things that I would have normally never even thought of doing. Ignoring my mothers advice and for-warnings, embarrassing myself,causing a scene in public. Those are all things that I would normally cringe at! I was not in control of myself. The normal me would have NEVER confronted him nor her. The normal me wouldn't have had buns of steel and drove past his house. What had come over me?

I followed behind her. "No, I'm asking YOU." By this time, my mom was out of the car standing in front of the house. Mr. 36 was nowhere in sight. I don't know where the hell he disappeared to. My mom pulled me back, wiped my face and sternly said "ENOUGH! It's time to go." As my mom dragged me to the car in a way only a mother can, Mr. 36 emerged from the bushes. Yep, his ass had hid out in the bushes. Well, he said he wasn't "hiding" but he had taken up position AWAY from the drama. "CC, I'll call you in the morning." I couldn't muster up a response, but my mom picked up for me where I needed her to "don't you dare! You had more than enough time to talk tonight, but you didn't."

I sat in the passenger seat and sobbed the whole way home. I still couldn't make sense of what had just happened. I was crying for several reasons, the loss of my relationship, the betrayal, the embarrassment, the disappointment I knew I had become to my strong mother and the confusion of the whole situation. I was broken. But that wasn't the end of it.

To Be Continued....

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The Drive By: Part I

Mr 36 and I met shortly after I graduated from college. I had moved back to my hometown to attend graduate school. He was a young professional in a high profile career. We were both young and vibrant with the world at our fingertips. It was no surprise that we were attracted to each other immediately. He was tall, dark and handsome... I was petite, cute and sassy with tons of personality...a match made in heaven :)

Neither of us were looking for love, but you have no control over Cupid; when he strikes, he strikes. After a few months of hanging out, we both knew that we didn't want to share each other with anyone else, so we decided to become exclusive.

Things started out perfect. From the day that we met, we were inseperable. Though we had seperate residences, I spent the bulk of my time at his house. I was such a fixture in his daily routine, that he gave me a set of keys to his place so that I could come and go as I pleased. I rarely had to use them though, because for the most part, once my day ended, he was already home waiting for me. We had a routine that was pretty consistent. The only inconsistencies were every other weekend when he had to travel for his job. That was the time in which I spent with my sisterfriends. I had completely dissed them for the company of my new found beau.

About a year into our relationship, the dynamics began to change. His job became a little more demanding and stressful and caused his attitude to alter. The time we spent together started to be more infrequent and his moods were very fickle. I decided to give him a little breathing room, and started to spend more nights at my own apartment. I first noticed a significant change during the month of October. I remember it sooooo clearly. To say it was a few years ago, it still feels like yesterday.

It was a Tuesday evening. We spent every Tuesday together because generally Tuesday was his off day, and the only day that I didn't have any classes to attend. But for some weird reason this Tuesday was different. I didn't spend the night at his place the night before, so I called him early Tuesday morning to see what he had planned for us for the day. He didn't answer. I left a message around 10am and waited around for him to call me back. I cleaned my house, went to visit my parents, and went to run errands. 3pm came and he still hadn't returned my phone call. "Odd," I thought, so I called him again. No answer; left a message, no return call.

Since we had been together not one single day went by without us speaking. Since we had been together not one single Tuesday had gone by without us spending the day together. Since we had been together not one time had I left a message without my call being promptly returned. Something was odd, but I just couldn't place it.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. Things hadn't changed much. I wasn't sleeping over at his house every night anymore, and we were spending less and less time together. I would call him and sometimes he wouldn't return my phone call until the next morning. His main excuse would be that he had fallen asleep early because work was really wearing him out. That wasn't a far-fetched notion, but I wasn't buying the excuse. My woman's intuition had kicked in and I started to pay attention to other little things.

It was now November and I was very unsure at the turn our relationship was taking, but I didn't have much time to focus on it because I was trying to finish up my first semester of grad school. I had promised to commit myself to working on our relationship once the semester was over. I just didn't have the fortitude to do so at the time.

One Friday evening as I was leaving his house, I was involved in a car accident. I was hit from behind while sitting at a red light. The jolt was strong enough to make me have whiplash and my rear bumper was messed up pretty badly. The driver of the car, a young pretty girl, was very unapologetic; almost rude even. We exchanged the pertinent information and went about our business. She left me with a bad taste in my mouth. It wasn't until after she drove off that I realized that she worked for the same company as Mr. 36. He was bound to know her.

I immediately drove back to Mr. 36's house and told him about my fender bender. He was in a meeting when it happened so he was unable to meet me at the scene. I also mentioned to him the young lady's name and asked if he knew her. He said that he did know of her, but only in passing. Something about that young lady didn't sit well with me from the moment I met her. I'm not sure if it was the way she repeated my name after I introduced myself, or the way she stared me down as if she had met me before. I made it a point to get as much information on her as possible, simply because my gut told me to do so.

The next week turned month, things with Mr. 36 and I had gotten increasingly shaky. I took it upon myself to play Inspector Gadget, hoping to find some reason for the hot/cold that our relationship had become. I went through his dresser, caller ID, email, etc. I was unable to find anything suspicious. Was I over reacting?

A few nights later, Mr. 36 decided to play one of his disappearing acts again. By this time I was convinced that another woman was in the picture, I just had no way of proving it. After talking to a friend, I decided to go to his house to see if he was really asleep. I was growing tired of the foolish excuses that he was falling asleep at 8pm every day. He was a night owl and I found it to be almost impossible for him to go to bed that early, even if he was working a hectic schedule. Hell, I'm a sleeper and I don't even sleep that much! I told my mom what I was about to do and she tried to talk me out of it, but I was relentless. "No," I said, "I am going to drive over there and see if there are any cars parked outside of his condo." My mom advised me against it, but I was relentless.

She decided to come along for the ride. On our way there, she tried to talk me out of it. "If you feel the need to snoop, you should feel the need to leave. Never should your relationship get to a point that you don't trust him enough to have to go to these measures!" Her words went through one ear and out the next. We pulled into his community and drove down the street. "Stop here," my mom said. She offered to get out and jog the two additional blocks to his house so that I wouldn't drive directly in front of it. "Meet me at the corner on the next street." I obliged and met her around the block. When she got back in the car I looked at her, but she avoided eye contact. "Do you know anyone who owns a Silver Camry?"

Mr. 36 had an SUV. No one he knew (that I knew of) had a Silver Camry. The worst part of all of this is, it was after midnight and he did not mention having any company. The last time I spoke to him, which was 5 hours prior, he declined MY company, stating that he was tired and wanted to be alone. If that was the case, why was there a car in his driveway? Giving him the benefit of the doubt I called him to see if maybe someone popped up. No answer. I waited a few minutes and called back, no answer. I left a message, no response.

I debated on what I should do. I needed to drive by the house to see for myself. My mom begged me not to, but I couldn't listen to her on that one. I drove in front of his condo, and in his driveway sat a Silver Toyota Camry. The car was soooo familiar to me. It wasn't just ANY Silver Toyota Camry. It was the same Silver Toyota Camry that rear-ended me a month prior!!!! I knew it was the car, not simply because of the make and model, but because the dent still remained!!! WTF??!!

To Be Continued....

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Get A Life!

When in a relationship, it is important that my significant other (s/o) has his own life. I can not be anyone's everything, in that case, I feel pressured. I need a man who is secure in our relationship and in his manhood, that he allows me to be the Social Butterfly that I am. A man who has his own life, outside of our relationship. I have a very hefty social calendar, that varies from week to week. From weekend get-aways, to full-fledged international trips with the girls; play dates with my nieces and other family related outings; mid-week happy hour(s) with my co-workers and/or sister friends, this is the short list of my obligations and social dates.

Of course I do so much now because I am single. If I were in a committed relationship those outings would decrease from 6 days a week or so, to about 2 or 3. When I am married, I am sure it will have to decrease to less than that. But I don't believe that I have to lose my life entirely when I get into a relationship. I need a man who has friends. One who enjoys his friends' company and wants to hang out with them on a weekly basis. I need a man who has other obligations, one that volunteers in the community or has a hobby that takes up some time. Basically, I need a man with a life of his own.

Many men cringe at the thought of their woman hanging out on a weekly basis with her girl friends, especially if it involves alochol and nightclubs. I am not a clubber. As a matter of fact, I LOATHE the club. If I never had to step foot in one again, I wouldn't. I am more fond of martini bars and wine lofts as oppose to the booty poppin' atmosphere of the club. But I am very social. My sister-friends and I enjoy each others company. I would love for my s/o to join me in my social endeavors with the girls every once in a while, but I also desire the ability to "Do Me."

I was having a conversation the other night with a gentleman friend of mine about this very topic. He told me that he believes the reason I am single is because I do too much or DTM. I value this guy's opinion, so that statement weighed on me heavily throughout the day. So much so that I called him back later and asked him to elaborate. After promising to him that I would not get defensive or offended, he agreed to explain his comment. "You are always on the go. At any given point I can call you and you may be in Nova Scotia or somewhere. Men like to know that their woman is always readily accessible, and isn't flirting with some man in the club," he said. Did this statement have some validity? Or was he the type of guy I DO NOT want as a s/o?

I came across a post on yahoo that stated just that. Men want women who are "independent" (ya'll know I hate that word). Basically when the author elaborated, s/he said that men find it sexy when a woman has her own life and isn't "needy". Well, that's me! I am by far the most non-clingy woman I know. I used to be the woman that needed to be totally consumed with her man...but that was many moons ago and long before I met ME and fell in love with ME. That was in the stage of my life where I felt as if my sister-friends and family were expendable and would drop them at the drop of a hat to sit up under some man. Long gone are those days. While I crave the companionship of a man, I also crave the companionship of my family and friends.

I have come across several men lately that have a tough time dealing with the fact that I don't care to be consumed with only them every single day of the week. They also don't like the fact that my sisterfriends and I have weekly dinner dates that generally end with a few cocktails at a local bar. When I asked one why he wasn't fond of such, he basically reflected the sentiments of my guy friend. He said that it didn't sit well with him that I was probably intoxicated somewhere flirting with some random man in a bar. That is where the trust factor comes in. In order for me to live my life and continue to abide by my social calendar, my s/o will have to have 100% trust in me and our relationship.

Of course this guy doesn't have much trust for me, after all, we have only known each other for a couple of months. We aren't in a relationship so therefore he doesn't know me as a "girlfriend." I have said several times before on this blog that, as a girlfriend, I am 100% faithful. I have never cheated on any man in any relationship I've been in.

I have a girlfriend that has (3) kids and she is NEVER without a steady man in her life. I've always wondered exactly what it was about her that attracted the type of men that she attracts. What is she doing that I am not? She seems to always get the guys that want to wife her. Aside from the obvious (she's gorgeous, has a great shape and an even greater personality), she comes with obvious baggage: three rugrats and divorce papers. The men she attracts are not divorced single dads, they are young men who have never been married and have ZERO kids. That shocks me. As a single woman, I don't particularly care to date men with children because I don't believe that they are as flexible as I would care for them to be. I would assume that single men with no children would feel the same way, right? WRONG.

I think I've come to a healthy assumption about why single childless men would choose to date a woman with children over a single woman with no kids such as myself...because the woman with children seems to be more settled and easily accessible. Men would assume that a woman with kids wouldn't have as hefty a social calendar as I do. SIKE! My mommy/girlfriend has a much tougher social calendar than me. She has not only her own to juggle, but that of three kids to juggle as well. She runs around town like a chicken with her head cut off on a daily basis. The only time she slows down is when she has a man. Why? Because she puts his ass on daddy duty and he ends up helping her with the kids. orIs it the comfort in assuming that women with children are more settled that a single woman with no kids? Do I need to have some kids in order to get a man to take me seriously? Is it that I have to put a dude on Daddy Duty in order to get him to stop playing the field and committ? Geez.

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My Love Stories: PhD and ME!

Y2K brought about many great things in my life. It was a new decade full of new possibilities. I was a young free-spirited college student who was enjoying freedom miles away from home. I had just begun to take classes in my major and was extremely excited about it. I had landed a coveted internship with a leading corporation in my field of interest and I had met a man that would forever redefine the meaning of Love to me and for me.

I first met PhD during my junior year of college. He was finishing up his last year at the university as an engineering major. I had heard stories about him long before I met him. The stories were about a guy on campus that was extremely handsome and equally smart, but I had never seen him nor met him. That was, until a late winter's evening in the "Big Easy." We were on a school break and coincidentally PhD and I ended up in the same city. We met, exchanged contact information and the rest is history. After meeting him, I totally understood why he was such an enigma for so long!

Our first telephone conversation lasted 2 hours! We hit it off immediately and talked on the phone like little kids until 2am knowing good and well, that we both had class bright and early the next morning. We had so much to talk about and so many things in common; our similarities were uncanny. Over the course of the semester, we remained in contact, but being that he was preparing for graduation he didn't have much time to spare. Every free moment that he had, we communicated...but it wasn't much. The end of the semester came, he graduated and embarked on a 5 year stint in the Mid-West to get his PhD, I left campus for an internship in the South, and our communication seemed to have died off. That was until a stroke of fate landed us in the same city at the same time for a month at the beginning of the summer.

The month that he was in town for training, we spent every day together. From lunch dates, to dinner dates and long walks and intense conversations in between, our romance was budding and our bond had begun to form. This was the first time in my life that I ever experienced someone's genuine interest in me and my life. He seemed completely enthralled and interested in the stories of my youth, my family and my quest for a purpose driven life. He kept me laughing with his incredible sense of humor and spoiled me rotten. Time definately flies when you're having fun; that month came and went faster than ever.

Being without him drove me crazy, and vice versa. We counted down to the days that we were able to see each other again...which were mainly weekends. We made sure to make every minute that we were together count. It was obvious to everyone around us that we were a match made in heaven. From bar-be-que's to comedy shows, and everything else in between, we had a ball together.

At the time, I just thought it was a strong like that I had for PhD. It wasn't until months later that I realized that what I was feeling wasn't just like, it was love. Everything about him made me love him. From his quirkiness to his intelligence, and of course his New York swagger...I was smitten. He had become my best friend. At the time, I was going through a tough situation with my closest girlfriends. He was there for me, comforting me and re-assuring me when I was at my lowest point. I shared with him more than I had ever shared with another human being. To this day, he could blackmail me; he knows some very intimate details of my life, details that not even those closest to me know. He was protective of me and was my biggest supporter. It was the two of us against the world....we were Crazy in Love.

The summer ended and our availibility and accessibility to each other began to decrease. We were thousands of miles apart in two seperate time zones. He had begun a very grueling doctoral program, and I was entering into my senior year of college. Opportunities to communicate were few and far between, and the option to visit one another was almost non-existant. We were broke college students with crazy school schedules. It was damn near impossible to see each other during the semester. I was adamant about trying to make it work by any means necessary, he on the other hand, felt like it would be too much of an effort, after all...we had no idea when we'd ever live in the same city again. And at that young of an age, long distance dating simply wasn't a sensible option. We tried our hardest to make it work in spite of the odds surrounding us. I tried to be supportive and understanding of his program and the position that he was in, but truth be told, I was a spoiled selfish brat.

I often allowed my mind to wander and others to implant in my head that since he wasn't calling me on a daily basis, that he was probably cheating and didn't really love me like I thought he did. After all, he had never verbally said he loved me. I only knew that he did because of his actions....during the summer. Truth be told, at the time, his actions were no longer reflecting the actions of a man in love. The final straw was when he didn't call me on my 21st birthday. That, to me, was unacceptable. He apologized perfusely about forgetting such an important milestone in my life. I was completely devastated, as that was uncharacteristic of him, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that he was changing. He wasn't the same man that I fell in love with over the summer.

I showed my entire azz and acted a plum fool. He was overwhelmed...overwhelmed with school work, overwhelmed with family issues, and overwhelmed with my demands for more attention and communication. The expendable part of that equation was ME. Our infrequent conversations turned into non-existant ones. Just as our love was unspoken, our break up was too. The fire that was once our summer love, had died down and soon became nothing but ashes and soot. I was devastated. I cried myself to sleep many nights wondering if I had single-handedly caused our relationship's demise.

If only.

If only I had not been so demanding; If only I had been more patient and understanding; If only I had not caused such a big commotion about him forgetting my birthday...maybe, just maybe, we would still have been together.

The reality is that we were very young. Too young to have even been seriously thinking about a way for us to sustain a relationship, especially given the other more important decisions that we had to make for ourselves and our lives. He was mature enough to see that, I on the other hand wasn't. I did not believe in giving up, and probably would not have given up on our relationship if he hadn't walked away first.

I remember one late (or shall I say early) January morning. Fresh off of a date with another guy, I walked into my apartment and broke down on the foyer floor. The guy that I went out with was attractive, intelligent, attentive and available, but he wasn't Ph.D! And afterall, the only person I wanted was Ph.D. Without making note of the time, I picked up the phone and called PhD. It was about 2am his time and he was obviously in a deep sleep. He answered, and all I could muster up was a faint "What happened to us?" and then the tears came. Being the patient man he was (and is), he listened to me as I tried to speak through sobs and tears. He did his best to comfort my aching heart and listen to my ranting and raving. After I calmed down, he sensibly told me that I still meant the world to him, but at that point in his life, he could not juggle the demands of a relationship. His major focus was his education and career, but that didn't mean he loved me any less. I was unsatisfied, intoxicated and uninterested in his feable attempts to soothe my aching heart. I had to get over it...and him.

I often think back to that Summer, the Summer of 2000. The one in which I fell in love with an awesome man. We still communicate and try to see each other at least once a year. The last few times we've gotten together, life's stuggles and strife intervened and caused us to have less than perfect weekends, but a good time nonetheless. I truly believe that he is my soul mate. I have come to the conclusion that sometimes Soul Mates aren't necessarily meant to be in a forever relationship. A soul mate doesn't have to be the one you spend the rest of your life with. I am just lucky to have found him, because some people never do. I am not sure where our lives will take us. We live on seperate ends of the country, neither of us willing or interested in giving up our careers and personal ambitions to conform to the other's lifestyle. We will continue to see each other and have wonderful moments together as long as we are both single. And who knows what the future holds, and what God intends. But one thing I do know is, if no other man in my life ever loved me, PhD did, and I loved him just the same. Every time I see him or hear his voice, I am immediately transformed to the Summer of 2000...the Summer I first fell in Love.

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No B*tchassness!

I get weirded out by dudes who seem to have chick tendencies. You know the ones, men that stay in the mirror much longer than you do, the ones who don't like to get dirty or break a nail, the metrosexuals. They really give me the creeps, to say the least. But the ones that really make me ancy are the ones that are clingy.

NO B*tchassness- in the words of Diddy. I couldn't have come up with a better quote. I was kicking it with this guy that I call Christopher Williams. Why do I call him that? Well, cuz he has an uncanny resemblence to the 90s R&B singer by the same name. By all accounts Christopher Williams is a nice guy. He opens doors, showers me with compliments, and is very attentive. However, he is NOT in my starting line up. He is the 2nd string guy that I call when the starting line up needs to be benched for whatever reason or another. Lately, my starting line up has been on their p's and q's, so Christopher Williams has been warming that good ole hard bench. I don't think he cares for that too much. He keeps calling me!!!!!!!

Yesterday, I decided to return one of his 50 million fall calls. We exchanged pleasantries and then he said "You must be Terry McMillan cuz u play disappearing acts." Ummmmm, insert long pause here. I was confused. Am I obligated to call him every day? Am I even obligated to respond to his texts? I don't think so. I did remind him that I was out of town on business, in a totally different time zone, and frankly I just didn't have the time to appease him by making courtesy phone calls. He listened attentively, as he always does, and then started whining. It was such a turn off!!!!! All I heard was "wah wah wah wah wah", like the adults on the Peanuts cartoons.

After letting him whine for a few minutes, I decided to cut the convo short. I told him that I would be in touch, and he said "I won't hold my breath." Such a b*tchass statement! I recall using that line a time or two when I was young and dumb. I gave a soft chuckle before disconnecting the call. Needless to say, I doubt if Christopher Williams will delight in the pleasure of my convo let alone company again. NO B*TCHASSNESS!

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California Adventures: Life's A Beach!

I've known "Alabama" for over 5 yrs now, and though he and I never lived in the same city, we have always kept up communication and maintained an acquaintance-ship. I hadn't seen him in over a year, and when he got wind that I would be on the West Coast, he jumped at the opportunity to meet up with me since he too, was in Southern California at the time.

He sent me a message asking if I was still in L.A. When I replied yes, he immediately sent me another message that said "San Diego?" I texted him back, "Are you inviting me to San Diego? If so when?" He said "of course I am! I will be there this Thurs and will prob stay until Sat or possibly even Sun. Bring your swim suit." That was music to my ears. I had yet to make it to the beach since being out here, and my body was thirsting for UV rays. So the following Thursday, I packed a small bag that mainly consisted of flimsy summer dresses and a couple of swim suits in anticipation of my beach trip. I brought along a novel, and some info on the product launch from my company to read while basking in the sun. I was siked!

I was able to weasel my way out of a seminar and a few team building activities scheduled for Friday, jump into my rented car and embark on a road trip down the 101 heading South to San Diego. Armed with my trusty Ipod and a bottle of Evian, I was ready to roll. I updated the Tom Tom on where I needed to be....La Jolla, CA- baby!

I arrived shortly after 10pm. Even though Tom Tom told me it would take about an hour and 38 minutes, with the 101 traffic, it took me nearly 3.5 hrs instead. YIKES! A little flustered from the ride, my frown turned upside down at the sight of Alabama walking toward me in the parking lot. He greeted me with a huge bear hug and that mega-watt smile of his. He grabbed my bags and led me into the condo and introduced me to the three young men sitting on the couch. They were all called Coach so-and -so, which led me to believe that they were all colleagues.

Alabama was on a recruiting trip, which is the reason he was in Southern California. He accompanied by his grad assistant to seal the deal between his school's athletic program and one of their prospects. The other guys were coaches at the prospect's current school and had been friends of Alabama's from his college days.

They were waiting on me to arrive so that we could have a night out on the town. I ran upstairs, changed my clothes and joined them in the living room where they were discussing....sports. The only girl in a group of men, I eventually became comfortable as the night progressed. They were taking shots called Jäger-Bombs; Jägermeister and beer. I knew immediately that I would be the designated driver. The night went on and turned in to morning. We stopped to grab a bite to eat before stumbling in at 5am. Two of the guys never made it out of the backseat of the SUV; they spent the night in the truck.

Alabama woke me up at about 10am and told me to get dressed because the place we were staying in had been rented out for the weekend. I overheard him telling one of his co-workers the night before, that we would be relocating to the nearby Embassy Suites Hotel. So, I got up, took a shower and proceeded to put on my Happy Face (what I call my make-up application). Alabama came into the room to grab my bag and put it in the trunk of my car. I was assuming that I would follow him and the grad assistant to the Embassy Suites Hotel as they checked into the room that we were to stay in for the next night or two.

Seated in my car, ready to follow them, Alabama walks up to the driver's side window and taps on it. I rolled it down and he proceeded to lean in and give me a kiss. He said "Thanks for coming to see me, drive safely."
SCCCCREEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAACCCHHHHHH!!!!!!
"Huh?", I replied confused as hell. "Where am I going?" He looked at me and said "Back to L.A." I gave him a blank stare. He proceeded with "I mean, I'm going to hit the road to drive back home myself. We don't have a place to stay."

It turned out that the Booster whose condo it was that we stayed in the night before, had rented out the condo to a couple on vacation for the weekend. Alabama had just been told of the arrangements the night before, and had made no other accommodations for us to stay elsewhere. When asked about the Embassy Suites deal, he said that it was $300 a night and he wouldn't be reimbursed for it. I sat there in disbelief with him staring back at me.

After a few minutes of silence, I bid my farewell to Alabama, as I mentally prepared myself to hit the road. Here it was, a little over 12 hours since I had arrived, and I was about to get back on the 101 and spend another 3.5 hrs in traffic before making it back to L.A. WTF?!

Reading my facial expression, I am sure Alabama knew that I was PISSED. He looked at me and said "Don't tell me that it wasn't worth it," with a sly grin. I let him know very politely that, no one and nothing is worth such a turn around trip and the time I wasted. I took off a day, spent $100 plus dollars all to play designated driver for a night??? I think not!

I drove down the winding road in La Jolla lined with sandy white beaches and asked myself "Why are you leaving again?" After all, I had been looking forward to hitting the beach for days. I got on the phone, called my dad, and asked him if he could book me a hotel room at the Embassy Suites. I found a Wal-Mart, bought myself a beach umbrella and a towel and headed for the Beach!

I sat under the umbrella most of the day with my notepad and a pencil. I spent some time with myself re-evaluating my life and my (mis)-adventures in dating. It was very tranquil. I was able to create several goals for myself, both long-term and short-term. But most importantly, I was able to reflect on my worth and my value.

One of the most important lessons that a father can set for his daughter is the standard by which men should treat her. It is through her father, that a woman learns what to accept and what not to accept from men. It is by his example that she sees the way a man is supposed to interact with a woman he is dating or married to. Because of the example that my father has set for me, I know that if I was not worth a simple $300 hotel room to him than he is NOT a man that I should even be associated with.

I am not a prima-donna, but I know how a man is suppose to treat me. My dad has taught me that if a man can't do what he has done for me or better, than I have no need for said man in my life. I understand that the economy is bad and people don't have as much cash flow as they need to. But I also understand that it is about simple communication. Had Alabama come to me shooting straight from the hip about the accommodations, then I would have been able to tell him that my father was an HHonors member and enough points for us to have a free hotel room for a couple of nights. But instead, he chose not to say anything and assume that I knew we had no where to go.

I spent the night in La Jolla and woke up the next morning to hit the beach for a final time before getting back on the road. Though the trip didn't end up the way it was planned, it had a much better ending. I was able to see Alabama's true colors, but most importantly, I was able to spend some time with ME.

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Workplace Fling!

For as long as I can remember (even before I held my own), I've known of the supposed taboos of dating co-workers. When I was younger, I remember watching shows or hearing family members discuss how office trysts always seemed to end in a mess for everyone involved...and even those who were not. So, when I joined the workforce, I promised myself that I would do my best to never cross that line. Well...that was until...Devon came along!

Generally, dating co-workers or even being tempted to date co-workers never really posed a problem. You see...I work in the fashion industry, which means there are lots of women and lots of gay men. Encountering a straight, overtly masculine man where I work is a rarity. So much so that when one does come along, he's generally swooped up by some lady in waiting! On top of my work environment consisting predominately of women and gay men, it's also very "race neutral" (for lack of a better phrase). By "race neutral," I mean that there isn't a lot of diversity where I work and meeting the "type" of men I like at work is likely to never happen. So..with all these "obstacles"... a girl should feel safe, right?

Wrong!

Imagine my surprise when I'm sitting at my desk, furiously focusing my attention on a very hot project. when I notice Devon standing in the hall talking to a co-worker. Just the sight of this straight and VERY sexy man wouldn't allow me to pull my eyes away! I'm embarrased to admit this but it's been a LONG time since I've seen such a fine specimen as that! Let alone one in my workspace! It took a second but once I caught myself starring, I turned my eyes to my computer screen and realized that I was not looking my fiercest today! I'd had a restless night's sleep and just threw myself together that morning. I immediately grabbed my make-up bag and ran from my desk (in the opposite direction) to the ladies room to make myself somewhat presentable. When I came out and was walking to my desk, I find Devon and another co-worker making rounds near my desk. My co-worker was introducing Devon to the team. As they approached my desk, my palms got sweaty and I tried my damndest to pretend not to even notice him there. When they finally made it to my desk, I was poised and ready to present myself in a professional but sexy way!! As they walked up, I crossed my legs and swung my chair around. And this could be expressed as the beginning of the end!

The minute we laid eyes on each other, it was obvious that there was a strong physical attraction radiating from both sides. We shook hands for what felt like 5 minutes and as Devon walked away, I noticed him turning back to check me out!! I felt like a 15 year old all over again. My heart was racing and I jumped on the phone to call C'est Chic as soon as I could. And of course she warned me of all the issues with dating a co-worker but encouraged me at the same time. In that moment, I decided that I wouldn't persue the situation but would let things run their course. And run...they did. On my way out the door, I ran into Devon in the stairwell. He stopped me and mentioned how excited he was to be working with me. He went on to ask me to lunch to talk about our company. He wanted to talk with someone about how he could succeed in his new job. So, being the polite and friendly person I am, I agreed to lunch the next day.

Lunch turned into dinners and before long, Devon and I were hot and heavy. We were spending nights together and even went on a weekend excursion together. Everything was going fine until we actually had to work on a project together. As the project manager, I was responsible for the ultimate success or failure of our project and it was my responsibility to lead our team. Needless to say, that didn't go over well with Devon. This confidant, charming, sexy man that I once knew was out the door!! Within days of starting the project, Devon turned into a difficult and bratty team member. Once I had to give him feedback on a piece he put together and he was not having it. He became very ugly with me and even went so far as saying that I was only giving him this feedback because of an argument we had a few nights earlier. Working with Devon was hell!! So much so that any time we spent outside of work was strained and unenjoyable. By the end of the project, I didn't even see Devon with the same eyes. He'd turned from this beautiful man into a monster! So with the end of our project came the end of our relationship and friendship. I moved on from my job shortly after for a better position at a competitor. With the move I took many professional learnings...but the most valuable was definitely...don't date co-workers!

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Friend Shady!

About a year ago I was dating this guy who we shall call "Harlem". Harlem and I dated for a few months before the relationship dissipated. We parted ways amicably; he was a nice guy, but just not for me. In the midst of our dating, I introduced him to one of my good girl-friends. They ended up hitting it off and eventually exchanged contact info. Their intentions were never to hook up, at least I don't think the intentions were, more than just that of a big brother/little sister type of friendship. I had no idea until recently that they were still in contact with each other.

Said good girl-friend was moving into a new home and as I was there in my Aunt Jemima housework-clothing assisting her in moving boxes inside her new abode, she casually made mention of "Harlem" being en route to tour the new digs. I was caught completely off guard. I was in no shape to anyone, let along one of my exes! I make it a point to always look fresh-to-death when in the presence of someone I used to date! Before I could meander my way to the front door and break out of that joint before Harlem appeared, the doorbell was dinging.

For the first time we had seen each other since our mutual parting, I was NOT on point. He gave me a slight once over as I stood there in sweats and a baseball cap, and let out a loud roaring laugh. "You look like you're about to go and stick up a bank!", he commented referencing my all black attire. I simply rolled my eyes.

I could not believe that said good girl-friend had set me up like that! I was not a happy camper. After a few pleasantries were exchanged, I excused myself and left the house in search of some solitude. Later that night, I called good girl-friend and expressed my thoughts. "I am not adverse to you and Harlem being cool, however, when he is going to be in MY presence, can you give me a better heads up? Matter of fact, would you mind making it so as to where he and I never really have to cross paths in a comfortable setting- such as your home, unless it's for a gathering of some sort?"

Was I asking to much? I simply wanted a heads up. I expected her to give me advance warning when Harlem would be in my presence so that I could make the executive decision on whether or not I wanted to be there. I didn't feel as if that was too much to ask of her.

Weeks passed by and several other networking events put Harlem and I in each others presence due to good girl-friend as the common denominator. I was growing more and more annoyed, but decided not to make mention of it again. As these events took place, Harlem and I began casually flirting with each other, and even scheduled going out on a date or two. After all, we did enjoy each others company, even if we had no intentions of becoming exclusive.

Especially due to the fact that Harlem and I started recreationally dating again, I told good girl-friend to NOT invite him to our inner most personal get togethers. Trips to the gym, Friday nights on our rented party bus, and bar-hopping should NOT be an open invitiation for Harlem given by good girl-friend. She did not oblige.

A few days ago I was sitting on my couch when the door bell rang. In walked good girl-friend along with a female relative of hers and Harlem. It eventually came out that Harlem and the female relative had just gone out on a date. He was obviously uncomfortable, and left my house almost as soon as he walked in. I played the role of the good hostess and entertained the company for a short amount of time. After they left, I was FUMING!

How could good girl-friend find herself comfortable enough to not only hook up her cousin with my ex (of whom she KNEW I had started seeing again) BUT invite them BOTH to MY home???? The audacity! And when I brought this to her attention, she down-played my feelings about the situation. I attempted to put the shoe on the other foot and she waved it off as me just having a bad day- and said that I needed to calm down and get a life. "Seems to me like you still have feelings for Harlem." she said coyly as she exited the front door. "Actually, I don't. However I think that what you are doing is classless and distasteful." I responded. She told me good night and then exited the premises.

Am I over reacting to this? Do I have the right to be very disappointed and upset with MY friend for playing match-maker with MY ex and her cousin???? Isn't that shady???

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California Adventures: Accosted by Suge Knight

So guys, I have been blessed with the opportunity to embark on a one month stay in LA-LA Land! I love this place, and mostly everything about it- except for the pretension. The weather is gorgeous and the dining and fashion are on point! But the Dating Lane here kind of sucks. I will be bringing you a segment as often as I can, called "California Adventures" as I chronicle my month's long experience in the Dating Lane on the Santa Monica Freeway.

My friend Cali Girl and I decide to go to PF Changs in the Beverly Center for dinner Friday night. She was complaining about being tired, as we had been up and at it with no break since before six that a.m. It was well after 10p.m. and we were just getting a chance to sit still for a moment. In true dramatic Cali Girl fashion, she rested her head on the table as I watched on looking at her with the side-eye cuz she was looking silly as hell. I immediately told her to stop crying and drink up. The dirty martini sitting in front of her would loose its potency if she kept baby-sitting it. (Not really, but I was just trying to inspire her to drink). Suddenly, I noticed a shadow hovering over us. I looked up and damn near pissed in my panties; it was Suge Knight peering over us like the Jolly Green Giant. Yes! THE Suge Knight of the "maybe he set up Tupac to get killed" fame; the same Suge Knight from the "slap a hoe tribe"; mmm hmmm he of the "Bloods gang." THAT Suge Knight. I was suddenly extremely uncomfortable. Just his mere presence was a bit overwhelming.

Cali Girl raised her head up from its cradled position on the table, looked up at him and said hi. He asked her if she was really crying and why. She responded by saying that she wasn't actually crying, she was just exaggerating and was really tired. He attempted to make small talk with us and then went about his business and I assumed back to his table. Cali Girl and I looked at each other and she mouthed "Time to go!" I couldn't have agreed with her more. We got up from our table and made a b-line to the restaurant's exit. There is only one way in and one way out of the place and I guess Suge must have seen us heading for the door, because out of no where, he came and blocked the walkway. I tried to maneuver around the side of him through a tiny opening, but he turned his body in such a way that he blocked the opening and prevented my ability to pass through. He kept saying "hey hey hey where ya'll think ya'll runnin' off to?"

I was eye level with his belly -that's how damn big he is! I decided to play nice and entertain him for a second in hopes that he wouldn't click out and go into the crazy Suge role that he is infamous for. He asked us about our plans for the rest of the evening. After we explained to him that we had been working the entire day, and were going to call it a night, he opened the path and allowed us freedom to move toward the door. We were not in the clear though. He was still on our heels, following us and bumping his gums. I stopped short of the exit because I did not want him to follow me to my car. He began saying how he wanted us to hang out with him and his crew. We politely declined, stating fatigue as the contributing factor. After several minutes of useless back and forth banter, he finally relented and agreed to let us go; but not without demanding that we hook up with he and his crew the next day. He made it clear that he wasn't taking no for an answer.

I've heard so many horror stories about Suge and his interactions with females that I felt obliged to entertain his request to exchange numbers. He whipped out his phone and asked us both for our phone numbers. I looked at Cali Girl and she hesitantly began mumbling the digits to her CORRECT work cell phone number. My plan was to give him a fake number. Hell, I wanted no parts of Suge AT.ALL. However, that plan changed once he stored her number in his phone and proceeded to call it. I was thinking to myself "oh shit!" Good thing I didn't go first! He said he couldn't hear her phone ringing. That was because her phone had been in her purse, powered off. Keep in mind, we were now standing in the entry-way of the restaurant (he was blocking the doorway mind u). People were giving us the side eye as if we were nuts since we were posted in such a heavy traffic spot.

Just when I thought that we were going to be able to escape, Suge beckoned for one of his homeboys to come over. From the table of 6 guys, one of them walked up to us. It was Petey Pablo (or whom I am assuming is Petey Pablo). Petey Pablo of the "Freek-a-leek" rapping fame. My first thought when he approached me was "You shole is ugglllllyyy!" He had diamond things in his teeth and it made them look like they were rotten! He wanted to know our occupations and when we told him our career titles, Suge exclaimed "oh they some educated women!" I guess it is safe to assume that they aren't surrounded by many women with "careers" on a regular basis.

Suge, in an obviously intoxicated state, started running his fingers through my hair. My body became even more stiff (as if that was at all possible). He continuously commented on how beautiful it was and how I "got good long pretty hair and don't have no tracks either." Of course he had to question the authenticity of my eyes and was completely amazed when I said they were real. Did he actually expect me to say "no, they ain't real, just real good contacts." I mean, what if they weren't?! What difference does it make? Do guys realize that asking questions of that nature are inappropriate? It's almost like me walking up to someone and saying, "hey those your real teeth or are they dentures?" Or say "girl that's tracks in your head?" I mean, for real, give me a damn break!

A few more uncomfortable minutes and a little small talk later, I began to feel really anxious and was too ready to get the f out of there. He insisted that we call him the next day so that we can go out with them and then offered to walk us to our cars. I assured him that we were more than capable of making that trek by ourselves. Hell, we were MUCH safer walking alone than with his ass! He told us to call him when we got home to let him know we made it there safely...yeah right! We bolted for the door and walked so damn fast to the escalators! There were two guys that had left the restaurant a couple of seconds before we did and had witnessed most of the ordeal. One of them turned around and asked us if we were scared with a stupid smirk on his face. He then tried to reassure us that he was looking out for us by saying that they wouldn't have let "nothing go down." I looked at that pip squeak and thought to myself "fool, you are no bigger than I am, Suge would have knocked your tale out with one swat!"

I was really intimidated by Suge. He is a very intimidating presence. I felt obligated to confer with the small demands he made to give him our info. I couldn't play him like I tend to do some of the worthless guys that step to me. Shit this dude killed Tupac, he wouldn't be scared to kill my lil ass (I know it's a bit far-fetched, but hey, it's me what did u expect). Men don't like their ego bruised so we had to let him think we were cool. I blame Cali Girl for the fiasco and for getting us harassed. If it weren't for her theatrics he probably would have never paid two bits of attention to us. Needless to say, he hasn't called us, and we definitely won't be calling him.

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Dating Chronicles: Baller on a Budget aka BOB

I wrote a post yesterday about the guy I call Baller on a Budget or BOB. By popular demand, I have decided to chronicle one of our dates.

For the purposes of this story we will call one of the major players in this story, one of my good girl-friends, Kelsey. Kelsey and I had just finished complaining about our 1st of the month blues...every bill under the sun was due at the 1st of the month for she and I. With that being said, in order for us to remain fiscally responsible, self-funded recreational activities had to be scaled down a bit until mid-month. Later that same evening I received a phone call from BOB inviting Kelsey and I to a popular adult entertainment spot in the city. I accepted, after all, BOB and I hadn't hung out in a while and I missed him. I was to be leaving town soon for work and wouldn't return to the city for at least a month. BOB had a friend visiting and he wanted to show him a good time. So we set up a time to meet up later that evening.

I joked with Kelsey about how we should probably eat and drink at my house so that we would avoid having to spend money. I know how BOB rolls, and being that he is a Baller on a Budget, I wasn't convinced that the entire date would be funded by he and his comrade. So that's exactly what we did. I cooked dinner, made my special cocktail and we set out to meet up at the spot with BOB and his friend.

The night started off at the bar, where, surprisingly BOB picked up the tab. "Cool," I though to myself. Then he left the bartender a tip...$2.00; which was less than 10% of the total bill. WTF? In an effort to not emasculate him, I went in my purse and put up 3 additional dollars (the last of my cash) when he turned away from the bar. Kelsey was watching the entire time.

The night progressed and BOB's friend picked up the 2nd round of drinks. We were all having a good time. There were no sparks between Kelsey and the friend, but they got along pretty well. We made our rounds throughout the entertainment spot and decided to go to another section. Upon entering said section, I offered to pay for a round of drinks, and of course that offer wasn't declined. As we walked to the bar Kelsey told me that I was out of line. I figured it was the least I could do. Me, being the Captain Save-A-Hoe that I am, thought that it was only appropriate to do so since no one else was making an effort, and we all needed drinks! So to the bar we went, and to the bartender I paid. It wasn't THAT expensive, but I did indeed buy a round of drinks. Kelsey, well, she made no effort to go into her purse.

At some point BOB made a mention of ordering shots. When I noticed that there was talk about exiting the place, I asked BOB "What happened to the shots?" He looked me dead in my face and said "no more money left." Ok! How about that for honesty?! LOL. We ended the night soon after and we departed in the parking lot and went our separate ways.

As I was driving home that night I thought about something. The entire week I hadn't seen BOB, but I had eaten out and gone to several happy hours and spent not one dime. Every time I went out, I went out with a man who had no problem picking up the tab and would have cringed at the thought of me putting up $1 toward the meal or buying one round of drinks. So why was I now in a situation where I not only bought a round of drinks for BOB and his friend, but, I was also in the very awkward position of not being able to make the most of the night because I was worried about how much I would cost him. Though I enjoy his company, it's beginning to be a burden.

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Should broke men date?

I must extend sincere apologies to my faithful readers who have been wondering what the hell is going on in The Dating Lane. There has been some serious bumper to bumper traffic which led to quite a few fender benders, but for the most part, additional life responsibilities have gotten in the way of me chronicling my dating experiences. But please believe they haven't ceased! I have tons of blog fodder!

So, I met this guy; a really nice guy. Charming, well-educated, handsome and ready for a relationship. He and I have been acquainted for quite a few months now and have been kicking it hard. The down fall? He's broke. And he knows it.

He isn't your ordinary broke dude though; he is one with potential. He is a student and soon he will be making mucho dinero. But for the time being, he's a baller on a budget....a SERIOUS budget. Here is where the problems lie. Being that he is a baller on a budget, should I be understanding of his financial woes and reach for my pocket book when the check comes, or should I reach for my pocketbook and walk out of the door?

We've been on quite a few dates, each of which I've contributed financially to in some form or fashion. From paying for parking to buying a round of drinks- I almost feel obligated to do so. After all, I have a pretty decent job and make good money, and he is- well- a student.

Should men with financial problems date if they can't afford to?

If you're a faithful reader of this blog, then you know my position on going dutch. I don't believe in it. I despise it. Most of you know how I feel about men not being men and not treating on the first few dates. But I think I've become weak :( I see the potential in this young man, and I understand his struggle. I sometimes feel as if I must contribute to our date when we're out. Why? Well, because I have a job and he doesn't. And frankly, I don't want him to feel as if I'm using him for a meal or some drinks. As I stated, I like him.

One of my good girl-friends and I were discussing this and she opposes my outlook. Though we don't agree on my position, she had a valid point. She told me that I should not settle for him even if I see his "potential" because I am far too old to be dating "potential". I do concur with that statement, however I feel as if his financial situation is less than 20% of the issues we have. Well, that and his lack of aggression- but that's another blog for another day.

This moral dilemma has definitely been rearing its ugly head as of late. I have found myself going out on dates with other guys who will foot the bill, only to diss them soon after the meal and a few cocktails to go and hang out with Mr. Baller on a Budget- at his apartment. I have definitely been a user. Hell, going half on a date has become quite expensive!

I have never dated a dude with financial problems. Even in high school, my bf at the time was a college student who waited tables in a popular restaurant. At a young age I was dining out at his expense on a regular basis. My post college bf was young, rich and fabulous and would never have cringed at the thought of letting his lady pay for anything. So, I'm pretty spoiled. I also have a doting father, who took my sisters and I out on a regular basis to 5 star restaurants. My dad (to this day) is the epitome of a MAN and instilled in us early on that if the man in our lives couldn't do as he did for us or better, we had no need for said man. He set the standard by which all men were to follow. On the flip side, my mother did support my father throughout his days of law school, as she had already gotten her post graduate degree and was the bread-winner at the time. However, they were in their early 20s too.

So as you can see, I am so conflicted! I don't know the right answer to this. Should I stick it out and continue to date him, even though we can't really date because of his financial situation? Or should I drop him like he's hot and move on without "wasting my pretty?" I'd love to hear your opinions on this matter.

Have you ever dated a baller on a budget? How would you handle the situation if you were me? Is this entire top shallow to you?

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My Dating Rant

Have I ever expressed to you, my lovely loyal readers, how much I LOATHE the entire ceremony of dating? If I haven't (which I'm sure I have), let me take a few minutes out of your busy day to rant on exactly what I dislike the most about the dating process.

I dislike the "getting to know you" phase. Generally this is the point in which you meet a person's representative, and they meet yours. You know what I'm talking about! You wear the mask.. and you do it well. You watch what you say, monitor your vocabulary, act like you have some sense. When, generally, you say the first thing that's on your mind, cuss like a sailor and act a pure @ss on a day to day basis. I kid...a little.

During this phase you are becoming better acquainted with the person you are dating, and are learning what makes them tick, what makes them smile and what makes their teeth itch; and vice versa. C'est Chic, ever the lover of immediate gratification, DREADS the process! I want to immediately jump to the point in which you know me well enough to know not to piss me off (too much), not to say the wrong thing and to back up off me 2.5 days before I turn "red".

I hate the ceremonial 2-3 day breaks that come in between dates. Hell, if you like me, enjoy my company and want to see me everyday- COME AND SEE ME! Call me! We can go out, or chill at home. Don't put limits on it if that's how you feel! Urrrggghhh.

Ok. The End!



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Is it me...?

Let's face it...it's always easier to see the faults in others than it is to see them in ourselves. Take this blog for example, most of these entries chronicle the absurdities C'est Chic and I encounter as single women in the dating lane. We put our "gentlemen callers" in the spotlight and pick apart their eccentricities one by one. Nothing wrong with that really. I mean...that's why we're here. But it got me to thinking and forced a bit of introspection on my part. I've been single for over two years now and haven't met any guys that I'd really like to know beyond the first date. So I have to ask myself...has the right guy just not come along yet or...is it me?

No one is without their issues. Like everyone, I'm full of my own set of "ways," hang-ups and habits. For instance, I've noticed that I have an old habit of hiding. Often times, I appear aloof or disinterested around men as a means of protecting myself. Though there may be nothing to protect myself from, I tend to put on a tough exterior....as a defense mechanism. I prefer for a guy to show his interest in me first. I'm very old fashioned in that way. I generally don't like when a guy thinks I'm interested in them because then I feel like they think they have the upper hand. And having the upper hand over me is something that I do not like people to have or more importantly, think they have. The tragedy in this way of thinking is that by appearing aloof and disinterested, the (potential) good guys don't feel comfortable approaching me and can you blame them? I probably wouldn't talk to me either! So, I'm determined to appear more friendly and welcoming.


As many of you girls know..this is scary for so many reasons. It's as if smiling or making split-second eye contact is an invitation to any and every man that catches it - and often that ain't a good thing! But I'm trying to turn over a new leaf and take a new approach to life in the Dating Lane.

In an effort to kick off this "new me," I decided that I would use last weekend as my pilot run at appearing more approachable and friendly. On Friday night, C'est Chic and I decided to hit the town for drinks and meet up with one of C'est Chic's gentlemen callers and some of his friends. This would definitely be the perfect opportunity to try something new. When we approached the fellas, I brightly smiled at one and said hello. He was very responsive and quickly tried to strike up a conversation. Problem was that he wasn't actually with the guys we were meeting. He just happened to be sitting next to them. Imagine how annoyed I was once I realized that I was chatting it up with a guy I wasn't physically interested in AND he wasn't even one of the guys we were there to meet. But, embracing my new attitude, I continued to talk with Brian and tried to keep an open mind.

We continued to talk and it actually wasn't half bad. Brian was a pretty nice guy and though I wasn't physically attracted to him, I enjoyed our conversation. Unfortunately, he thought our conversation was a lead in to more conversations in the future. I had to pass considering we lived in different cities and there was really no spark, just pleasantries. All that to say, I think I may be on to something. I'm just warming up and though I'm nervous that I'll end up fielding more duds than studs, at some point I may just smile at my Special Perfect One and start something special.

Charmed

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Dating Chronicles: Young Buck

You all remember me posting about the younger guy that I had met a while back- right? If not you can find the post here for background purposes. Baby Boy and I had been kicking it pretty hard during the past few months. He is temporarily living in a city near my home and has had lots of free time. And who better to share that extra time with than yours truly!

I can honestly say that in the past few months he and I have spent almost every day together. We have done many things- from attending art showings, to dinner and a movie, to bike riding in the park, etc. The list of activities go on and on and on. We had a ball with each other and there was never a dull moment. One day Baby Boy called me and told me that he needed to speak with me regarding something really important. That evening at dinner, he looked into my eyes and told me that he believed that he was falling in love with me. I was flattered. Even though the feelings weren't exactly mutual, I did enjoy spending time with him and loved him as a person. I wouldn't say that I was "in love" with him though. Sensing my reluctance, he assured me that I didn't have to respond to him saying that I loved him, but he just wanted to express to me his inner feelings. I wasn't going to jerk his chain like that anyway. We continued dinner that night and had a great time together as usual.

During the days that followed I became really busy. Swarmed with work obligations and general life activites, spending time with Baby Boy just wasn't on my radar. Two weeks had gone by, and I hadn't really noticed that Baby Boy had slacked off from his normal twice daily phone calls to almost none at all. Beyond that, we hadn't spent time together in weeks, so I called him just to check in and see what he was up to. We had a brief conversation and then he told me that he had wanted to talk to me....again. I told him to meet me at Barnes and Noble since I had to pick up a book for a project I was doing.



While we were at Barnes and Noble, Baby Boy broke the news...he was getting married. My first thought was "WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME??" God must be a comedian, because he is continuously playing practical jokes on me in the Dating Lane. He has a GREAT sense of humor! Too bad he's laughing alone, because I'm not amused.

Baby Boy went on and on about how he got "caught up" in dating me and that he enjoyed us spending time together. He said that he didn't realize how hard it would be to break the news of his engagement to me. Baby Boy thought that the right thing to do was tell me that he had asked someone to marry him. According to him, he proposed to the girl two days prior to our meet-up and that he had purchased her a 2 carat emerald cut diamond and platinum engagement ring. He even went so far as to say that he just knew I would love the ring.

I've been through this before- recently, so all of the talk had no affect on me at all. I continued rummaging through the shelves of books in search of the book I was looking for. I remained silent until he finished speaking. My response: "Congratulations?"

Yes, congratulations in question form. Was I supposed to be ecstatic for him and his engagement? Here we go again. Another guy who pulls a fiance out of the thin air. I was soooo over these moments. I came across the book I was looking for and proceeded to the check out counter. He insisted on paying for the book, and hey, I didn't attempt to stop him. We went our seperate ways and it wasn't until two weeks had passed that he called me again.

The first thing out of Baby Boy's mouth when I answered the phone was "CC, we need to talk". Goodness! I thought. How many more "talks" are we gonna have? What do we even need to talk about? Then he said the ultimate "When I told you that I was engaged, I lied." WTF??! The story went a little something like this: He had conjured up a fake engagement because he wanted me to "fight for him." Those were his exact words. He thought that by telling me that he was engaged, that I would return his sentiments of Love, and fight for the "relationship he thought we shared." He also said that it hurt him to his core that he told me he loved me and all I said was "Thank You." He talked for 10 minutes straight without a peep from my mouth. And then he asked me what I thought about it all.

Of course I revealed to him that he and I would NEVER be able to continue any type of friendship. I also let him know that I am not a crazy, jealous, young chick. I also let him know that him telling me that he was engaged was a turn off, not a turn on. I need not "fight for him" nor the "relationship he thought we shared." Because after all, there was no "us" nor was there a relationship. We were just kicking it...having bundles of fun. But now that will be no more because he lied to me and eliminated my trust for him. He said he understood, but he sounded devastated. I ended the conversation and told him that I hope the next time he really liked a WOMAN, he wouldn't mess it up with childish lies. I could have sworn I heard slight wimpering in the background. Was he crying??!! He abruptly ended our conversation and I haven't heard from him since. Thank God for small favors!

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All Mixed Up!

Networking websites such as Facebook seem to be the newest craze in the internet world. Imagine my excitement when I found out that my high school had it's own version site! It's like Facebook, but only for alumni and it is soooo cool and so addictive. There are so many people that I haven't seen or spoken to since high school graduation that are members. It's kind of like a high school reunion...via the internet.

Within the site, there are sub-groups set up with the intentions of linking former classmates that share the same commonalities. From sororities and fraternities, to career sub-groups...the list goes on and on. For added fun, there are discussion forums that enable the alumni to talk about "Long Lost Friends," "Will Obama Win the Election?" and my favorite "Secret High School Crushes."


I was pretty popular in high school, but I didn't have many boyfriends. Most of the guys at that time seemed to be more interested in the "fine girls" and the girls that were sexually promiscuous, so many of them were not interested me- the under-developed, proud virgin!Though we were always surrounded by guys, my circle of sister-friends often always found those guys to be strictly platonic friends. None of us had boyfriends until we were well into our junior year. However, that doesn't mean we didn't have crushes.

My ultimate crush was a guy we'll call Marc. Marc and I didn't really hang in the same circles as he was 2 years younger than I was. He was a jock and preferred the "fine girls" and frankly, upper classmen didn't hang with under classmen. I can count on my hand the amount of times he and I exchanged pleasantries, let along full fledged conversations.

So imagine my surprise when I browsed the "Secret High School Crush" discussion thread and read that he had a crush on me while in high school. I was so shocked! I replied to his post saying that the feeling was mutual and had I known he had a crush on me then, I would have made a move...or not. LOL. I was kind of shy in that aspect.

Marc and I began communicating via email ever since his revelation. Amidst discussion, it was revealed that he too, lived down south and is single with no kids. We had some things in common. As we got to know each other a little better, we realized that we are similar in many ways. I began crushing on him again.

About three weeks into our communication there was an event going on in our hometown that brought both of us back to the city. We agreed to meet up at one of the popular night spots so that we could have a drink and shoot the breeze face to face.

I wore my little black dress and my special event pearls. The red stilettos that adorned my attire provided just the right amount of "sexy" without going over board. I was ready! My sister-friend and I entered the party location and immediately began mingling. I spotted MT in the corner and immediately headed towards him to greet him. I approached him with the biggest, cheesiest grin on my face that I could muster. I tapped him on the back and he turned around and greeted me with a smile and let out an enthusiastic "Hi!" We engaged in a bit of small talk....the usual "You look great!", "How have you been?" blah blah blah...then he said something that took me by surprise. MT said: "Forgive me please, I know I know your face- but I can't remember your name." I looked at him confused. I said "C'est Chic" with a slight duhhhh in my voice. He said "that's right, that's right. You used to hang with Charmed and Chase and the whole good girl crew!" and let out a slight chuckle. I was confused. After all, we had been talking for weeks and had already covered this ground. Why was this guy suddenly showing signs of selective amnesia?

Then a friend of his approached us and called his name, and I suddenly realized that I had been communicating the entire time with the wrong person! The guy I had been talking to via email was not the guy standing before me at that instant! I had mistaken his face for someone else's name. He was actually MB NOT MT. MT was a totally different guy altogether. I was so embarassed.

I played it off for a minute, engaging in a few more minutes of useless chatter and then I excused myself to the ladies room in an effort to attempt to wipe the shit look off of my face. As soon as I turned around to head to the ladies room, I was stopped by a guy that looked vaguely familiar. He walked up to me with the most eager, toothy grin I had ever seen. It was the REAL MT. As in the guy I had been emailing back and forth for several weeks, thinking he was MB. He called me by my government name and then reached out to embrace me. I returned his hug and excused myself, telling him I had to use the restroom and that I would return shortly.

I called Charmed immediately upon entering the ladies room. I could NOT believe that I had mixed up the guys' names. I thought I had been communicating with my High School Crush, when in all actuality I was talking to a totally different guy! I really had myself in a pickle now. She laughed at me....hysterically. How was I ever to get myself out of this precarious position? And to top it off, my ego was also bruised. Not only was I talking to the wrong guy, but the right guy didn't even show me the slightest bit of interest. At least not until the end of the night.

After leaving the ladies room, I never saw the REAL MT again, but I ran into MB several times. At then end of the night as I was walking out of the party, he grabbed my forearm and asked if it was ok for us to exchange contact info. "Of course it's ok!", is what I was secretly thinking. If only he knew! The very next day we met for brunch and I just had to share with him the mix up. It was at that point that MB told me that he too, had always had a crush on me, but due to my age he was always afraid of approaching me. Who would have known?! Even if he was just saying that to make me feel good...I enjoyed the flattery.

My only problem now is, How am I supposed to tell the REAL MT that I had him mistaken for someone else- MB. What is the most tactful method of letting him know that I really didn't have the hots for him in high school afterall. How can I break the news to him that I had his name attached to someone else's face- in my mind? After all, the REAL MT is the person I have been crushing on lately due to his personality. I am such a sucker when it comes to tough talks like this. I hate confrontation and disappointment. Ladies, please advise! I would love to know how you all out there in blog land would approach this problem.

XoXo,

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Sex on the Beach

Charmed and I took some time out of our busy lives for a little R&R in the Mexican Riviera. We had a wonderful time...we are easy to please. Great food, wonderful company and even better cocktails make the two of us the world's most pleasant Bachelorettes!

During the few weeks prior to the vacation, we had a brief discussion about the possibility of meeting potential gentlemen callers. Charmed and I had pretty much convinced ourselves that there would at the very least be two handsome single guys that would be more than honored to meet our acquaintance while on vacation. Needless to say, we were both wrong.

On the final evening before our departure we decided to embark on an excursion: horseback riding along the beach and in the desert. Rookies to horseback riding, she and I didn't really know what to expect. But my experience was well beyond anything my vivid imagination could create.

The horse that I was given was a former race horse. He was a fine Stallion might I add. His bronzed hue was equally as beautiful as his long flowing mane. He loved to gallop and had a penchant for speed. I often had to make him "heel" because he would get carried away with galloping and at times make me feel as if I was going to fall off. The first half of the ride was beachside. The scenery was great, and as the sun set, the beautifulo range, yellow and red hues illuminated magnificently off of the Sea of Cortez.

During the 2nd half of the tour, our guide led us up a mountain. As we gradually inclined, I became overwhelmed by a tingling sensation. I'm not sure if it was the position that I was in as I sat on the horse, or if it was the fact that my cycle had just started. During my cycle, my hormones tend to go crazy! Whatever the cause, it didn't matter...I became engrossed with unfiltered thoughts that danced in my head. I was aroused.

Everyone knows that I've been practicing abstinence and truth be told, I am not a fan of masturbation at all. I would prefer a man to touch my body as oppose to me touching myself. However, the sensation that I was feeling at that moment was the BEST feeling ever. If that's what masturbation feels like, then sign me up now!

With each step the horse took, my body pressed up against its hard spine. My "area" hit the saddle in just the right way each time. I wanted to scream! I had to catch myself before I drifted off into a world that I shouldn't have been in! From that point on I had to focus hard on NOT thinking about how aroused I had become. It was HARD I tell ya! Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, the tour ended. I was saved by the sunset. Or was I?

I left the race horse behind that day, and decided to put good use to the electronic device one of my friends bought for me the moment she found out I was abstinent. Other than the namesake drinks I had when we first arrived in the city, horseback riding was the only method of Sex on the Beach that I experienced during this year's vacation! Insert long sigh here.

XoXo,

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