Family Ties

Is there such a thing as a man being too close to his family? This is the question I’m pondering this week, after going out with a new guy I recently met. Seems like an odd question but I do think that everything has its limitations and sometimes people go overboard.

I met H.P. last weekend at a local lounge. Though I wasn’t initially attracted to him, he seemed like a very nice and personable guy. And since I’m trying to step outside of my comfort zone, I decided to give him my phone number. When he called later in the week, I really found myself enjoying our conversation. I was pleasantly surprised to find that there was an ease to our conversation. Nothing about it was awkward at all. In fact, it was just like talking to anyone of my guy friends. However, there were some odd things that came up in conversation. H.P. expressed that he was from a very large and tight-knit family. As any girl, I would guess, I was happy to hear this. I’m also from a very large and tight-knit family, so I was happy to hear we had something (so important to me) in common. H.P. then goes on to tell me the name of the small city he’d grown up in and revealed that he’d just moved away from that city for the first time. Though he’d gone to college in a city close by, he always commuted to school and work, never leaving his hometown and family. He went on to say that, for the first time, he was living away from his family in another nearby city and was actually experiencing some withdrawal. Though he’d lived on his own before, H.P. had never actually lived more than 10 miles away from his parents and siblings. For him, living 30min away from his family was a big deal. Hearing this from H.P. definitely took me off guard. As a young woman who has lived away from my hometown (far away) for many years, I was a bit put off by the idea that this guy, whom is 32 by the way, was having such a hard time only living 30min from his family. But, like I’d said, with such good conversation I wanted to stay open and felt positive and excited about going out on a date with H.P.
As H.P. and I were deciding when and where we would meet, I suggested lunch on Saturday. Immediately, I got what seemed to be a panicked text saying that Saturday wasn’t ideal because he usually runs errands and drives out to his hometown to visit with his family. I practically fell out of my chair reading the text. Was he serious?? Was he seriously saying to me, after offering to accommodate my schedule, that he couldn’t spare 2 hours of his time on Saturday to have lunch??? Wow! I was blown away. I appreciate that the man is close to his family. Really…I do. But somehow I’m having a difficult time with the separation anxiety he seems to feel living only 30min away from them. Call me crazy but doesn’t this seem like a warning sign? As we’ve all been taught, how a man treats his mother is something every woman should pay attention to. It is usually very telling as to how he will treat his significant other. And like any woman, I would love a man who is caring, thoughtful and family-oriented. But isn’t there a limit? No one really wants a man so close to his family that he can’t truly commit to you, right? When you’re in a relationship, you want to feel like you’re in it with your partner, not him AND their family. And don’t even talk about if you get married! Then you’re married to the mother and not the man. Plus, it often goes that there are some maturity issues when a man can’t detach at least a little. H.P. even said that for the first time, he’s starting to realize he’s not the center of the world! OK! Now, in his defense, he is the youngest of 6, so it’s understandable that he’s been babied and coddled most of his life but you’re 32 - MAN! At some point, you have to Man Up! I’m a part of a big family, as well, but I’ve known for quite some time that the universe does not revolve around me.

I don’t know about you but I’m very leery of a man who seems to by very interested in meeting you but can’t because he can’t take two hours out of his Saturday to do so. You tell me ladies, is there such a thing as too close to the family and could you date a Mama’s Boy?

XoXo,
Charmed

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NOT AGAIN!

I met Mac over 5 years ago. He was a very charming man and was like a little local celebrity in the town we resided in. Everyone knew him and loved him. Our initial interaction was at an Exxon Station…it was 6am, and I was leaving my current boyfriend’s home en route to work and had to make a pit stop for gas. He was on his way to work as well. We were on opposite pumps from each other. He nodded in acknowledgement of my presence; I returned the nod with a faint smile. A few minutes later I stumbled inside of the Exxon Station to pay for my gas and the attendee told me that the gentleman on pump 8 had already taken care of it. I went outside to thank him for his generosity. He was gone but left a one dollar bill with his name and phone number written across it on my windshield. I never called.

We met again several months later at the local nightspot. My ex and I were going through some things and I needed to feel like I still had it going on. Mac spotted me almost immediately and made his way to the area I was sitting in. He charmed the hell out of me- unintentionally. That was just his nature. It didn’t help that he was looking all suave and debonair. Lol. He wasn’t necessarily a “good looking” man, more than he was a “well put together” man. I am not big on looks at all, but something about him was appealing…to EVERYONE. He had a defined swagger and confidence even though deep down inside he was simple the lil country boy from the backwoods of Mississippi. He and I spent the rest of the night talking, laughing, and enjoying each other.

Fast forward 4 yrs. Nothing really ever kicked off between Mac and I. We were both dealing with relationship drama, and never could quite get on the same page. He supported me through one of the toughest times in my life. I mean, REALLY supported me…he offered me more support than my best girlfriends. I will NEVER forget how much of a MAN he proved to be during that time. When I realized that the relationship between my ex and I really wasn’t going anywhere, I started to think about the possibility of getting with Mac, I mean REALLY getting with him. In the 4yrs we had known each other, we had barely held hands, never kissed and sexing wasn’t even in the vocabulary. We spent many nights in bed together, cuddling, spooning, talking- hell, he’d even seen me naked (that’s a whole nother story) and we never crossed the line. I started to wonder if God was showing me the man I should be with but I wasn’t paying attention to the signs. Mac invited me on a vacation with him and his friends and there we had an opportunity to sit down and talk about “us”. He told me that he wanted nothing more than to try to see if we could be in a relationship, but the distance scared him. I lived on one coast, he lived on another….we were in two separate time zones. So, we decided to just “go with the flow.”

Recently he suffered a personal setback in his life and career. He started re-evaluating his life. He had more time to spare and he and I were getting close again. Genuine interest and effort was being put forth on both of our ends even though it was tough with the distance. I was determined to be there for him like he was there for me when I needed a friend. I wanted to show him how much I appreciated his loyalty. But I noticed, slowly but surely, he began to withdraw…clam up…detach himself. It started off initially with him taking a few days to return phone calls, and then I noticed how he was rarely ever available. On two occasions, he had flat out stood me up for dates and he knew my time in the city was limited. I was pissed, so I backed off. From that point on the communication was induced by him. I didn’t reach out to him, he reached out to me. The conversations were never strained, but I could tell that something was going on in his life. I knew that his job security was still troubling him, so I tried to be cognizant of that and not demanding of his attention and time.

He invited me to a “party” at his house during Thanksgiving. He knew that I would be in town and wanted me to stop by and see his new place. I ended up staying the entire weekend there. I got reacquainted with his mother and sister and nephews…we had a great time. During the weekend, he was involved in an accident and was physically impaired. I was there for him the night of the accident and the next day. However, I had to leave to return to my current home base. He seemed disappointed, but was very understanding. I tried to call him every day after that but my calls were unanswered. Messages unreturned.

Well, I got a call from him yesterday. Shocked me to death! He spoke as if nothing ever happened. He said he heard I was in town for a brief visit and that he wanted to sit down and “catch up.” He asked if I still loved to eat sushi and he would meet me at my favorite sushi place in about an hr. I agreed and went.

I don’t remember much of the conversation, but I do remember that somewhere between me ordering edamame and the waitress bringing him sake bombs, he broke the news. He was having surgery in a week on the injury he sustained in the accident in November, and his fiancé would be accompanying him to the city he would be doing his rehabilitation in. WTF? I blanked out. He was saying some other stuff that sounded like “whah whah whah” to me. But somewhere in all of that he mentioned that his fiancé was on her way to the restaurant to meet us for lunch. He wanted us to meet each other, especially since he talks about me so much.

Holy MOSES! I couldn’t believe I was sitting there hearing this. I pinched myself because this could NOT be real. Dude, did you just tell me that you invited your FIANCE to meet us for lunch??? I didn’t have time to catch my breath before she was standing in my presence. I wanted to hate her; I really did but I couldn’t. She wasn’t a beauty, but she was cute….very homely, but sweet….had a country twang and was gracious to meet my acquaintance. WOW. She had heard so much about me and was so glad to finally meet the friend Mac talked about so much. She thanked me for being his best friend and asked for my address so that she could send me an invitation to the wedding ceremony in the spring. WTF?? She gave me the password to the website, told me the colors of her bridesmaids’ dresses, and even asked if I would want to come to the bridal luncheon. HA!

I tried to process it all and then I glanced over and saw him holding her hand under the table. He hadn’t said a word since she sat down. I hadn’t even touched the edamame and the waitress came to the table a good (3) times before to get my order but I kept sending her away. I got up to go to the restroom because I was about to explode and I refused to let them see me sweat. Could she not see the glassiness in my eyes? Did she not feel the stiffness in his body language?
He sent me a text message a few hours ago and said “nothing like some news…huh.” I ignored it.

Ya see, I am not upset that he is getting married (disappointed maybe); I am not upset that he found a woman that truly adores him. He deserves that. It is something that I may have never been able to give him. He knew VERY well that he and I would never have really been able to pull things off because of all of the situations in the past. However, I was and still am upset.

I am really upset because it pulled me back to that space with Mr. 36. The space that I have not quite gotten out of yet. After all, it was just a few days ago that Mr. 36 called me and declared his love for me with his married ass. That wound is still fresh, and now this.

I did not appreciate how Mac broke the news to me, mainly the fact that he invited his fiancé to lunch. Gosh dude, at least give me time to digest the fact that you are getting married on me. And for him to make me seem like I was his BEST girl friend was the worst! But, I do respect him for respecting me enough to let me know ahead of time before I found it out from someone else in a not so positive way. And TRUST me, I would have found out. I’m surprised I didn’t find out sooner actually.

That doesn’t let Mac completely off the hook though. He has been misleading- not just to me, but to her especially. This relationship can’t be new…at the least they were involved in November. And what must his family think of me?! After all I just recently spent the entire weekend with them. They don’t know that he and I are not and have never been sexually involved. I’m sure that they were just assuming we were. I’m sure they assume that I also knew that he was getting married. What kind of woman does that make me appear to be? Ugggghhh! Not again!

XoXo,
CC

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Super Stalker

I know it’s not just me…I know I’m not the only woman out there that has been practically stalked by an EX. If you’ve had a similar experience, you’ll appreciate my story. I’ve chosen this topic for my post because recently, my semi-stalker of nearly ten years has popped up again!

A few nights ago, I was online doing some research and in a matter of moments, a chat box pops up from SS (we’ll call him that for reference in this post) asking if “we weren’t friends anymore.” Trying to be direct but kind, I simply replied with a “hi” and “I wouldn’t necessarily call us “friends,” would you?” In retrospect, I wish I hadn’t replied at all because somehow I was dragged into a nearly hour long chat session of back and forth foolishness.


Just to give you some context, I dated SS in college for about three years. Our relationship ended abruptly when I discovered that he was not only cheating on me but had another girlfriend. The best part of the discovery is that I found out one night by stopping by his apartment unexpectedly and the other woman answered the door. Imagine my surprise, disappointment and feelings of hurt at twenty years old when I discovered my supposed “soul mate” had another relationship and everyone he knew - knew that he was playing two women – including his “church-going” family with whom I saw often! Needless to say, our relationship ended on the spot. However, in all honesty (like so many young women), I didn’t fully let go and we maintained a highly dysfunctional “friendship.” Upon graduating from college, I accepted a job offer across the country and began to build a new life. SS and I communicated sporadically during my first year away and I actually saw him once when he “just happened” to be in my new city for who knows what. For me, that visit was the final straw. After seeing him, I realized that I had moved on and wasn’t interested in any kind of relationship with him. I’d come to my senses and realized that any person that claims to love you and be a friend to you would never betray you the way he did me. At that time, I made peace with the situation and decided to forgive him but move on and though I wish him no ill will, I have no interest in any form of a relationship with him.

Fast-forward - SS has consistently reached out to me in some form or another for the last six years (almost seven!). Mostly, he calls or emails but once he sent me a baked-good in the mail!!! (Side note) Who sends baked goods in the mail to people they don’t communicate with?! It was delivered to my job and sat in a box for days because I was on a business trip. (Back to the story) Each time he calls or writes, he expresses how badly he wants us to be friends and how he is so much better now. He also goes on about how he has met many, many women and none compare to me even at twenty. Keep in mind that I’m nearly thirty now. It’s been almost seven years since I moved away from my college town. It’s been over six years since I’ve seen him last! Is he serious?! Yes, he is. You don’t know me but I’m a pretty honest and direct person. I don’t “pretend” to be his friend or speak nicely to him. In fact, I’ve been very cold and told him on many occasions that I’m not interested in a friendship. I’ve expressed that he is forgiven and that I think it best that he just move on. Yet somehow…he will not leave me alone. I can’t seem to shake him no matter what I say. Just today he sent me an MP3 of some sappy love song via email. “From me to you,” is what he wrote in the email. SERIOUSLY!!! WTF?!?! I think the worst part of it is that he’s arrogant and somehow believes that I actually think of him and still care for him, even though I NEVER call or write. I honestly am indifferent towards him. I have no feelings for him one-way or the other. I’m past what happened between us and I’ve moved on. I was still a child when we were together; now I’m an adult. Ironic part is that he’s seven years my senior. You read right! That makes him nearly FORTY!!!! And he’s still sniffing after me like a puppy dog. I can’t take it anymore!!!!!!! He’s lightweight spooking me. I’m surprised he hasn’t popped up at my job yet. I think it’s time to take it to the next level – I simply have to ignore him.

I’ve tried to play nice but it’s clear to me that by somewhat entertaining his attention, I’ve given him what he thinks is a pass to keep reaching out to me. I didn’t want to be mean but I think the only way to shake him is to completely ignore him. It’s sad that despite our efforts to move on, selfish men refuse to let go. It’s as if the only way for them to make amends for their mistake is to drag you back down with them. Not interested! I don’t care how much he’s changed. I HOPE he has changed. It’s been six years! The moral of the story is that just because you were once close to someone, it doesn’t mean that you always have to be. As I read in Acts of Faith by Iyanla Vanzant, “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.” When it’s time to let go of relationships – learn from it and let go!!! Don’t become a semi-stalker!!!!!!!!!!!!

XoXo, Charmed

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My Love

You chose her cause she's sweet as pie
Take what you give,even your life
But baby, are you happy without me?
She scrubs your back, washes your clothes
Gives you everything that you ask for
But don't you ever want more?
~Jill Scott

I am not a weirdo…I just love music…real music…songs with a message. Most often than not, I find a song that parallels my current life situation, most of the time it relates to my life in the dating lane. So, often times I quote a song or title a post or experience after the song that I think of when I reminisce on the situation.

Hence the title of this post: My Love. My Love is a song recorded by Jilly from Philly. You MUST read the lyrics here. The first time I heard it, I got chills! Every single word that she sings, completely explains how I feel. I promise, Jill was in my head when she wrote and recorded 80% of the songs on her latest cd The Real Thing: Words and Sounds Vol 3. But I digress. From the moment I heard My Love it reminded me of the only man I can really say that I love, Mr.36. I used to believe that he was my H.I.M. but I am not so sure now, especially since now he is someone else’s husband.


I found out on my birthday this year that Mr.36 was married. He informed me that he had gotten married a year ago to the chick he dated in college…the chick that broke his heart and made him unavailable to completely give me 100% of himself.

At the time he and I started dating (5 yrs ago) he was a scorn man. According to him, she had left a bad taste in his mouth. He could no longer trust women- didn’t want to be vulnerable and hurt again. By his own admission, prior to meeting me, he thought that it was impossible to ever trust another woman with his heart. But when he met me, supposedly he realized that indeed, he could love again....and did.

I’ve always secretly despised her- the chick he dated in college. I despised her for what she did that caused him to not be totally available to me. I despised her because I knew somewhere deep down inside of him, he still loved her. I despised what I assumed they had together- a relationship with no boundaries…pure unadulterated bliss…the kind of love that was blind and wreckless. But instead, the relationship he and I shared was more practical, guarded, safe. He never allowed himself to be totally vulnerable to me and to our love and I despised her for that. I blamed HER for his emotional unavailability; for him being hot and cold; for the emotional rollercoaster ride he and I always seemed to be on!

Our relationship was full of ups and downs…rough spots and tough roads. It had gotten to a point that I realized that we weren’t progressing and I needed to end the relationship. I moved halfway across the country to purge him from my sysstem, yet still found myself holding on to the “rope of hope” that someday, somehow, we would be together. We continuously communicated in some fashion, never quite losing touch with each other. Somewhere not too far in the back of my mind I always thought we would end up sharing forever together….but I was so wrong.

This summer he called me out of the blue and wanted to have some "real talk" with me. For an hour I listened to him declare his love for me and apologize for all of the pain he may have caused me. He went on to say how no matter what goes on in our lives that I am still his and he is still mine, we share this unbreakable bond that the masses could only wish for…yada yada yada. That conversation left me feeling warm and fuzzy on the inside. I’ve never doubted his love for me, he just had a strange way of showing it! Shortly after that phone conversation, I found out that he and said girl had gotten married in the Bahamas. The trip he told me he was taking with his boys was actually his wedding trip!

I was heartbroken. I couldn’t believe that he actually married someone! I had no knowledge of him dating anyone seriously, let along a fiancé- and he had gotten married!?! For the longest I couldn’t even speak those words nor wrap my psyche around the fact that he was actually married to another woman. All of the days I spent doodling my first name with his last, it would never actually happen….someone else was his MRS. It sickened me to the core. And, it was her! The woman I’d grown to despise. Here she was again, wreaking havoc on my life! How did they even end up back together? After all he swore he would never even spit in her direction…

Yesterday I received a text message from him. This is the second time in a few weeks that he has tried to reach out to me. I have not spoken to him since he broke the news that he was married. It has been almost 5 months, which is the longest that we have ever gone without contact. Initially I wasn’t going to respond to his message, until the rest started pouring in. I received several messages from him stating how much he loved me and that he misses me and our relationship. He went on to say that he often thinks about us and the fun times we had, and is hurt that I am no longer in his life. That he can’t believe that I would throw our friendship away, and he never thought that I would ever turn my back on him…he went on to say that he needs me to be in his life because I understand him better than any female- including his mother…that without me he is miserable…and we can exist in each other’s lives no matter what other things we have going on. He said a whole lot more, but I wont bore you with the details of his epiphany. I simply replied “u are married now, it is important for me to respect your wife and your family. We are not JUST friends…I would not want my husband to have a friend like me.” Of course he can’t understand that.

He truly believes that we can co-exist: as in OUR relationship (with all of the history and chemistry) alongside his MARRIAGE. Oh and get this, he even went as far as to say that he is not completely happy and all is not well with he and the wifey! I HATE that excuse from married men. It’s so cliché! The bottom line is this: I have NEVER been the woman to be second best; I am far too selfish for that. Not only that, but I refuse to commit adultery. At some point folks need to be held responsible and accountable for their actions, and as far as marriage is concerned, I will never let a married man off the hook. I believe in reaping sown seeds. At some point I hope to find my H.I.M. and pray to God that my H.I.M. chooses to respect me and our nuptials and honor our commitment to each other.

The email conversation between Mr.36 and I was very emotionally draining but so very necessary. I had questions that needed to be answered, and obviously he felt compelled to tell me what’s been on his heart- “real talk” as he calls it. Real talk that is too little, too late.

My love is deeper
Tighter
Sweeter
Higher
Flyy-er
Didn't you know this,
Or didn't you notice?

Why is it that after standing before God, parents and pastor brother bishop deacon doctor; after spending tons of thousands of dollars on the wedding production, why oh why does one suddenly realize AFTER the grand hoopla that they married the wrong person? What prompts the sudden revelation? And how do you live with yourself and this person and create a life together, knowing that you are secretly pining for someone else?

I've come to realize that if I truly believe that I love him, which I do…If I truly believe that I want what’s best for him, which I do…then I can’t be selfish. Wanting what’s best for a person isn’t necessarily what YOU think is best for them. What’s best for him at this moment is not me and has nothing to do with me. My genuine love for him makes it a tad bit easier to say that I genuinely want him to be happy, even if that means without me.

XoXo,
CC

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Sex With My Ex

I try to make sure that when I break up with a guy, I never dip back in the pot of goodies just for the sake of doing so. But right before I decided to become abstinent, I had a continuous sexual affair with my ex. I tried to justify this activity in a variety of ways. I used to say that the reason I kept him around sexually was because he knew my body very well and he could please me like none other. I made myself believe that it was better for me to have sex with him than to add another notch on my sex-list. I even thought that the constant physical relationship we had was better since the commitment was no longer there. I was lying to myself.

The entire time we were intimately involved I was a ball of emotions- a hot mess. He was too, even though he only recently admitted to it. Our commitment ended in May of one year, but the physical relationship didn’t end until July of the next year. We were consistently intimately involved- almost more than we were intimately involved when we were in a relationship.

Only recently have I begun to realize that subconsciously I was still holding on to our relationship. And he was assisting me. I call it the rope of hope. He would give me just enough to keep me holding on to the notion of us one day being together. Though it was obvious to me that the relationship we shared was not good for my esteem, I still couldn’t shake the thought of him…and US. The sex kept getting better and better, and I translated that as meaning we were getting closer and closer. The truth was I was only widening an already gaping hole.

I didn’t see it then, but I was giving myself to someone who didn’t deserve me. I was submitting to his sexual appetite and scratching his itch in the bedroom, but I was no longer a part of the rest of his life- where it really mattered. I was conceding to his wants and desires, but he wasn’t reciprocating those actions. I wanted a relationship, love, adoration, a mate. He wanted sex, sex and more sex on his time and on his dime. And I gave it to him. I wasn’t anything more than a high priced call girl. When he called I went, often traveling hundreds of miles, enduring TSA and the hassle of the airport just to be his supply. A call girl. No I didn’t receive money for our sexploitations, and I tried to hide the acts behind the walls of our past…he once belonged to me, and I to him. But that time was no longer. I was only his piece.

One morning I stood in the mirror and looked at myself…really looked at myself…and saw an unfamiliar face. Since when did I stoop to such a low level? How did I allow myself to be short changed. I looked deep into eyes I didn’t recognize even though I’ve seen them all of my life, I tried to read deep into the blank expression, but there was no emotion. I had become numb.

It was that day, in front of that mirror in my bathroom that I decided that I would give of my body no more. Even though I derived moments of pleasure, I would endure many more moments of pain in its wake. The plane I was to board for our latest rendezvous destination was going to take off without me on it. And I didn’t even give him a courtesy call.I decided in that moment to honor myself. I deserve someone that will not only cherish me and my body, but meet and exceed my expectations and needs.

This post is for all of you women out there that are giving of yourselves mentally and especially physically and receiving peanuts in return. Yes, he may make you feel good in the bedroom, but is he making you feel good in the Dating Lane? Does he deserve ALL of your Goodies?

Food for thought- eat it if you’re hungry.

XoXo,
CC

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Baby Boy...

“…You stay on my mind fulfill my fantasies...”

Here’s the deal. My girlfriends and I were out at a popular eatery having dinner, and in walked a group of young guys. They occupied the table adjacent to ours and from the moment they sat down we could tell that they were significantly younger than us. It wasn’t overly evident, after all, they actually wore belts and weren’t adorned with excessive jewelry, but they had young faces and eager eyes. One of the guys in the group stood out amongst the rest…he was friendly, vivacious even and very handsome.

The eatery was a very casual place, and the service wasn’t that great since it was overly crowded. The young handsome man (that I will call Baby Boy) asked in a fun loving way if they could merge their table with ours, and we obliged. From that moment on, Baby Boy was on my tip! We posed for a couple of photos together and laughed and joked. He began asking all of the right “getting to know you” questions…then came the question of age…that’s when he confirmed my suspicions….he was more than 5 yrs my junior….and I’m still in my twenties! That makes a difference. I never revealed to him my exact age, but he was quick to let me know that he was not concerned with the fact that I was older than him by some years.

We exchanged numbers and email addresses once the night ended. He brought up the idea that we should get together the next day. The next day came and our schedules kind of conflicted. I ended up being out and about with Charmed when he called to see if I wanted to do lunch. It just so happened that Charmed and I were already in the process of searching for a place to get our grub on. We told him the spot, and he said he’d meet us there.

Baby Boy entered the restaurant with his signature smile and eager eyes. We had a decent convo which ended up turning to his profession. I assumed that he was a college student or a recent graduate given his age and the fact that we met him at an eatery which wasn’t too far from the colleges in the city we were in. My assumptions were completely wrong and I was shocked when he told me that he was a professional baseball player. We conversed a little more about his career and some other general things and then the bill came. Baby Boy never made any attempt to pick up the little black billfold. As a matter of fact, he didn’t even look in its direction.

Didn’t he just tell me he was a professional baseball player??? Even beyond the fact that this bill should be drops in a bucket to him given his salary, he is a man- isnt't he??? At a table with two women- right? Heeeerrrreee we go again…

Charmed looked at the check and then passed it to me for my review, we put up our respective amounts, and Baby Boy STILL didn’t pick up the check! Did he think that we were gonna pay his portion too? So I slid the billfold over in his direction so he could get a clue and stop looking like he was stuck on stupid. He put up his $20.00 and we paid the bill and left. He was kind enough to walk us to our car which turned out to be not too far from where he parked himself. He opened my door and told me that he’d call me later.

I got in the car and didn’t say a word, I knew what Charmed was thinking and she knew what I was thinking, but was our thinking unjust? Should we just amount it to him being young? Certain things men are supposed to learn as they grow and begin to date. I am a firm believer that any man should pick up the check whenever he is out with women….PERIOD. However, he was enough of a gentleman to walk us to our car and even open my car door for me. Things that make ya go hmmmmm…

As I sat in the car on the way from my lunch date with Baby Boy, I began to wonder if I am really in the mood for “teaching” a boy how to be a man. There are obvious differences in our maturity levels that go beyond him not picking up the check. Do I have the patience to endure a man more than 5 years my junior? After all, men mature slower than women anyway (so they say).

Don’t call me Stella just yet…after all, we all know how the real life version of that turned out!

XoXo,

CC

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The One I Should Want

How many of us know just the right guy? That guy who seems perfect. The guy who is emotionally available, smart, funny, attentive, thoughtful, employed, your friend….by all standards, the perfect mate. So, why are we not attracted to them?

I have a few guy friends – amazing guys by any standard. All of whom would make perfect boyfriends and husbands. One of these friends has made it clear that he would be more than happy to take our friendship to the next level. Ironic thing is that I’m just not interested.


He’s extremely handsome and has all the traits of a good boyfriend. I know that he would treat me with respect and probably put me on my own little pedestal. And I honestly couldn’t tell you why I’m not interested in him except that I don’t feel sparks around him. I know that sounds ridiculous and childish but it’s true. I’ve always felt butterflies and my heart pitter-patter whenever my next love interest presented himself. And clearly I haven’t always done the best job when choosing the right guy to be with, but I must say, I can’t imagine being with a guy that I’m not excited about. In my opinion, there is no comparison to the feeling you get when you’re attracted to a man; when you just want to be around him; when you heart begins to race because he’s getting close to you. Call me childish but I love that feeling and it’s a prerequisite to any relationship I have.

Recently though, I’ve been starting to question if I should forsake that animal attraction and try to work with what is in front of me. I know that the pitter-patter and infatuation doesn’t last. I recognize that relationships change and as you become comfortable with someone that initial feeling of excitement subsides. So, maybe I should consider trying to pursue something with the “good guy” who is at my door just begging to come in. Perhaps I should be practical and hope that those feelings will eventually come. This may sound far fetched but there are thousands of people in arraigned marriages that don’t even see their husbands and wives till their wedding day. Many of those couples go on to have beautiful marriages blessed with long lasting love. Maybe the key to a successful relationship has nothing to do with physical attraction. Does that sound silly? Is it vain of me to even worry about being attracted to my boyfriend or husband? Call me crazy but I really couldn’t imagine it any other way.

So, what do I do? Do I wait for the man that gives me butterflies and hopefully embodies all the traits I want and need in a mate or do I pursue the man that I have lukewarm attraction to but is seemingly the perfect guy? You tell me – The One I Should Want or the One I Do Want?

XoXo,
Charmed

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What Do the Lonely Do at Christmas Time?

“‘Tis the season to be jolly- but how can I be when I have nobody?”~The Emotions

Bachelor #1 and I have gone our separate ways…on his account. I am not exactly sure when or where things went wrong…but I respect his decision …the day before Christmas….via text message that said “Nice Meeting you- You are a wonderful person” Yep. That’s pretty much how it went. That’s worst than how Bu.rg.er broke up with Ca.rr.ie on Sex.in.the.City (via post-it note). Sometimes I really hate technology; it makes folks lazy and gives them the easy way out.


I left some things at his house, because the last time we were together things were great. There was no sign that the text message I received on Christmas Eve was even a thought in the back of his mind…but I digress….I left some things at his house and I asked if we could meet up to talk and he could bring my things to me then. I had a ton of questions, mainly about my part in this, and how I contributed to him wanting to break things off between us. Then after a couple of days of thinking, I decided that there was no need for any further conversation on the matter. It would be best if he just mailed my things. We had only been dating for a couple of months, and I might as well cut my losses now without looking back. I am not about to beg him or try to convince him to stay with me. It just isn’t that serious. There are obviously some things about me that didn’t sit well with him, one being my need for communication. I don’t like going days without speaking to the person I am involved with. The beginning of the relationship is the time when you should be in such bliss, that you can’t get enough of each other, and all you wanna do is talk to that person or see them/be with them.

I don’t generally expect for my gentleman callers to call me everyday every hour on the hour. That isn’t realistic; however, with Bachelor #1 and I, from the first day we met, we have seen each other every day (with the exception of when either of us has to go out of state). We didn’t speak over the phone for extended periods of time because we never had to, and most often we communicated via text during the day while we were both at work. Recently we ran into a little problem with the communication thing, (see this post) but I thought the problem was rectified after we talked about it. Evidently I was wrong because he cited that incident as the reason for him breaking things off with me. As I said I don’t expect anybody I am dating to call me every day, but I’ll be damned if I call you or text you and you don’t respond, that’s just plain rude. I have a problem with that. No matter how busy you are, at some point you can take the time out to type: HEY! Shit. People make time for what they feel is important.

The Holiday Season always gives me a feeling of overwhelming anxiety. There isn’t a singular reason why I am not particularly fond of the 7 day span between Christmas and the New Year…it’s a plethora of things. One of the main reasons, however, is that I have NEVER been in a relationship during the holidays. It doesn’t matter if I have a “boyfriend” or not, something always seems to happen right before Christmas/NYE and I end up spending the Holiday Season alone.

My single girlfriends and I agree that Holiday time is really hard for those of us without men and children…it is the PRIME time for everyone in your family that is married with children (especially the elder women) to get in your business and try to figure out when you are gonna get married and start having children. One of my good girlfriends made the comment the other day that the next time one of her aunts or her grandmother asks her “are you dating anybody?” she was gonna respond very non-chalantly “no but there’s a couple of dudes I’m f****g” and see if she gets asked that question again. LOL!!!

This parting of ways between Bachelor #1 and I couldn’t have come at a more inopportune time. I was actually becoming excited about our budding romance, and had planned to spend the days off this Holiday Season with him. God is always faithful to me, and all I have to do is say my little prayer to him, and he eliminates dead weight men. So-long Bachelor #1…let’s make way for the Bachelors of 2008! I have a date tonight. Check back tomorrow and see how it went!

XoXo,
CC

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